There is no textbook on how to deal with a loved one getting terminal cancer, it's a situation too devastating and complex to boil down to a simple emotional recipe.
Still, while there isn't a right way to be there for a loved one fighting cancer, there are a few wrong ways to handle it. Making their illness about yourself, and undermining their pain are just a few of the worst ways to handle the shock of cancer.
Sadly, prickly family dynamics don't simply disappear when a family member gets cancer. In many cases, the illness heightens tensions and emotional disparities that were already there. The looming presence of loss can serve as a blacklight exposing the ugliest attitudes that haven't been interrogated or healed. In these dark moment, family members who function as mediators often end up working overtime to keep the peace.
In a recent post on the Am I The A*shole subreddit, a woman asked if she was wrong for telling off her sister for comparing fertility issues to their younger sister's cancer.
AITA for going off on my sister, who has fertility issues, because she thinks that is the same thing (or worse) as my other sister who has cancer?
OP kicked off the post by sharing that her sister Ava has a severe form of cancer, and an estimated five years tops to live.
Both OP and Ava have never been as close to their older sister Kate, for a myriad of reasons.
My eldest sister is 30 (I’ll call her Kate) and my middle sister is 25 (I’ll call her Ava). I am 23. My middle sister and I are closer because my eldest sister is generally uptight, a bit of a narcissist, and thinks she’s more important because she’s the oldest. This is how it’s always been, even before any health issues.
For the past few years, Kate has been struggling with her fertility, and the family has tried to express sensitivity in conversations surrounding pregnancy.
Kate, over the two years, has been trying to have a baby and has fertility issues. My family has been very supportive, and has made sure to not talk about this person and that person getting pregnant, and when we watch TV we don’t watch like, shows that involve birthing. Because the truth is, these issues have turned Kate into an absolute lunatic.
While OP empathizes with Kate's struggle, she has felt at times that Kate took it too far.
Which I understand, because it’s a sad, frustrating and depressing experience, and I empathize with her and always have. But one time, she completely snapped at me when she overheard me telling my mother my weekend plans that involved babysitting. “I don’t want to hear about people’s children!”
The past six months, OP and the family have been doing everything they can to support Ava while she navigates her cancer diagnosis.
Anyway. About six months ago Ava was diagnosed with cancer. It’s not a cancer that has a good 5 year outcome. We would be very lucky that she makes it to the 5 year survival mark. It’s been extremely devastating for my family, and she is not dealing with it well. Mentally, and also physically. I’ve had the worst few months of my life, watching my best friend become a shell of herself.
During this trying time, OP has noticed Kate acting dismissive in both subtle and not-so-subtle ways, and up until now has decided to ignore it so she could focus on Ava.
I’ve noticed things from Kate that I’ve ignored, but it’s gotten to the point where she’s not even trying to hide the fact that she’s annoyed at our sister struggling with cancer. When my family and Ava are in a deep discussion about chemo or something else related, I’ve caught Kate rolling her eyes. She’s butted in the conversation and tried to take it over with stuff about her and her husband, and fertility. Among other things.
The dynamics came to head recently when OP caught Ava crying, convinced that Kate cared more about having a baby than her dying of cancer.
Then yesterday, I caught Ava in a really sad mood and I asked her what was wrong. She tears up and tells me that Kate would probably choose to end her life if it meant she could create one if she had the chance, and she feels like she isn’t going to care at all when she dies. I told her that wasn’t true and tried to comfort her.
When OP went to confront Kate about her lack of empathy towards Ava, Kate launched into a diatribe about how Ava isn't the only person with health issues, and went on to compare her pregnancy issues to cancer.
Then I was fed up. I tried to start a conversation with Kate and tell her that she’s been insensitive towards Ava, who is literally battling for her life. She then becomes snarky, says that “other people have serious health issues too, Ava isn’t the only one. It’s typical you guys focus on her and don’t even take me into consideration” which made me go off and say that I don’t think not being able to get pregnant easily is the same thing as having cancer, that will more than likely end your life.
Kate did not respond well to the real talk, and is now campaigning to make OP out to be a villain.
And I don’t. I don’t think it’s on the same level, sorry. She can adopt if she is totally unsuccessful, and her and her husband are open to that option as well. Now she’s started this huge ordeal, acting as though I’m the devil incarnate. Was I wrong?!
paranoidandroidr thinks OP is fully in the right and that Kate needs a massive wake up call.
NTA.
She's turning this into some kind of messed up competition. It's already fairly psychotic of her to ban everybody in her life from even speaking of children in her presence.
Then, to get (what seems to be) jealous of the attention her sister gets when she finds out she has cancer? What a sh*tty sister. No, what a sh*tty person.
Cancer and infertility are absolutely NOT on the same level. With infertility, you can't create life. With cancer, you lose your life.
MandaMaelstrom encouraged OP to keep her focus on supporting Ava, and pay no mind to Kate's theatrics.
NTA. Of course NTA. Kate’s struggles are deserving of empathy, but her lack of concern for her seriously ill sister is horrifying. It really sounds like she needs therapy to help her gain some perspective and get out of her own head, but I don’t imagine suggesting that would go over terribly well.
You should just keep being a wonderful sister and giving Ava love and support. Don’t even entertain Kate’s histrionics. If she says unsupportive things or rolls her eyes in front of Ava, just quietly tell her, “this isn’t beneficial for our sister” and don’t take the bait if she tries to justify or downplay her actions. Kate’s immature behavior is not deserving of attention. Ava is.
I’m so sorry for what your family is going through, but I know Ava is very lucky to have you in her corner.
cocoaqueen thinks Kate is completely over the top and toxic.
NTA. Kate is an entitled selfish brat who cannot cope with not being the center of attention.
She’s also being ridiculous expecting you not to talk about babysitting in front of her.
Computerguy71 pointed out just how extreme Kate's false equivalences are.
NTA. Dude what your sister said is just insulting to people with cancer your sister doesn't have to go through chemo or anything but the one with cancer does one actually suffers and the other cant have kids. Now I'm not saying being infertile isn't bad I'm just saying comparing it to cancer is like saying a chihuahua is as dangerous as a lion.
It seems abundantly clear that OP is not in the wrong in this situation, it also feels clear that Kate is a narcissist who needs a wake up call or to be cut off completely while Ava goes through treatment.