Also playing a crucial role in the absolute slayage of Team USA is Ledecky's mom, because without her giving birth, Ledecky's victories would not have been possible.
“You know how to swim so good, like a fish. Oh my God. Was you swimming around in her stomach?” a super psyched Jones said while jumping on Mary Gen Ledecky.
The fateful Jones-Ledecky meeting was a long time coming, with Jones hilariously and passionately cheering her on.
This drama now has the notorious moniker "Lochtegate," and will inevitably be adapted to film, perhaps with the starring role played by another notable space cadet named Matthew McConaughey:
After a deep dive into Ryan Lochte's Twitter, here are 17 tweets that suggest he had this mischievous criminal streak all along (this also an excuse to scan his history of hunky dumbness).
1. He has a history of wreaking havoc on foreign countries.
Caracas, venezuela doesn't know who is rolling through in a bit!!! Bout to turn that B#@*h upside down!!! Can I get a JEAH!!!!
Two of the non-Ryan Lochte swimmers that took part in the disaster that was #LochteGate have left Brazil. Gunnar Bentz and Jack Coger flew back to the U.S. on Thursday after being jeered by a local crowed that called them "liars" and "fakes," according to Reuters.
The US Olympic Committee issued a formal apology to the host nation of Brazil, hoping that Bentz and Coger's departure signifies an end to this terribly embarrassing incident.
USOC chief Scott Blackmun said in a statement, "We apologize to our hosts in Rio and the people of Brazil for this distracting ordeal in the midst of what should rightly be a celebration of excellence."
Amber Heard has donated her full seven million dollar divorce settlement from Johnny Depp to charities to prevent violence against women, People reports. The move makes a strong case against those who have claimed the actress fabricated domestic violence claims against her ex for the money.
Amber Heard, 30, and ex Johnny Depp, 53.
"As described in the restraining order and divorce settlement, money played no role for me personally and never has, except to the extent that I could donate it to charity and, in doing so, hopefully help those less able to defend themselves," said Heard, 30, in a statement Thursday.
The actress said she was splitting the entire settlement among a number of charities with "a particular focus to stop violence against women" as well as the Children’s Hospital of Los Angeles, where Heard has volunteered for the past decade.
Earlier this week, Depp and Heard announced that they had reached a divorce settlement outside of court, and released a joint statement saying their relationship was "intensely passionate and at times volatile, but always bound by love."
A few days after filing for a divorce from Depp in May, Heard filed a temporary restraining order against the actor, claiming he had verbally and physically abused her.
Very cool that Heard was able to transform her own trauma into a way to help other survivors of assault. Much less cool that she'd have to take such an extreme measure for people to believe her claims of abuse, even with both physical and video evidence.
Getting away with a crime requires finesse. It requires cunning. It requires that an individual not become easily trapped in the act of committing the crime. Like in, say, a chimney or a vent. Here are some criminals who would’ve gotten away with it had it not been for their inability to navigate small spaces.
1. After this guy in Seattle got caught trying to steal money from a vending machine in an apartment building’s laundry room, he took to the skies…and stayed there.
The burglary suspect tried to bash his way out of an apartment building's laundry room in downtown Seattle, after being caught by residents trying to steal quarters from a drinks machine.
When that failed, he crawled inside the building's ventilation ducts - but got stuck and residents filmed his attempts to escape.
2. A man in Laurel, Delaware, broke into a middle school, and after taking the floor buffer for a spin, hopped in an elevator and then couldn’t get out.
A Laurel teenager was arrested Monday after he broke into a local middle school and got stuck in an elevator, prompting him to call 911 on himself, town police said.
Michael Claude, 19, was located inside the elevator of Laurel Middle School after he called 911 when it stopped working, Officer Christopher Story said.
Authorities Sunday night identified the man who became stuck in the chimney of a Huron home during a botched burglary attempt and died after the homeowner lit a fire in the fireplace.
Tony Botti, spokesman for the Fresno County Sheriff’s Office, said the man identified by the county coroner was 19-year-old Cody Caldwell. The cause of death was smoke inhalation and burns, Botti said.
4. This Detroit area man loves pizza so much that he tried to break into a pizza parlor through the air vent by which smoke from the pizza oven leaves the pizza parlor, but it didn’t work out.
A 32-year-old Brandon Township man was found stuck in a pizza oven vent Sunday at the Cracker Barrel Pizza Store in the 5500 block of Oakhill Road.
Oakland County Sheriff's deputies were called to the store on a report of a person screaming for help. The man was found stuck in the vent halfway from the roof to the floor.
The Sheriff's Office said he was trying to break into the store through the vent in the roof. He had removed the vent cap, entered the pipe from the roof and got stuck. He was there for more than 11 hours, the Sheriff's Office said.
5. He came for the pet prescription drugs. He stayed because he got trapped in the animal hospital’s air conditioning ducts.
Milwaukee police arrested 19-year-old Shane Ray for apparently trying to steal prescription drugs from the Smal Animal Hospital on the city's east side on Sunday, September 15th. Officers were able to locate him because he got stuck in one of the building's air conditioning ducts.
"This 19-year-old suspect then crawled one direction, assuming that he could get down and into the building, was met with resistance in the form of the shaft narrowing. Turned around, somehow missed his entry hole, and slid all the way down the shaft to the ground level located behind the building," said Capt. Aaron Raap.
There the suspect stayed for 11 hours -- stuck in the heating and cooling system. It wasn't until the next morning that hospital staff heard the man shouting inside the duct.
6. This burglar in Brockton, Massachusetts, almost spent the night trapped inside of a Rent-a-Center but instead he spent the night pinned under a loading bay door at the Rent-a-Center.
John Rodriguez arrived at work Tuesday and found 53-year-old Manuel Fernandes stuck under the loading bay door at around 8:45 a.m.
Fernandes told Rodriguez that he had been there since around midnight, according to police.
“He tried to pry open the garage door with a metal bed post. As a result of trying to squeeze into the business, apparently the door fell onto the suspect’s head, and he was unable to free himself,” said Det. Lt. Paul Bonanca of the Brockton Police Department.
7. This guy at Nottingham Trent University in the U.K. was going to break into a campus building and steal some stuff, if only he could’ve gotten all the way in.
A suspected burglar spent five hours hanging upside down from a window after apparently getting trapped when trying to break into a university.
The man got stuck while attempting to squeeze through a 30in-wide window at Nottingham Trent University in freezing temperatures last Thursday night.
He was found by two students, who heard him calling for help and then saw his legs dangling out of the side of the lecture hall building.
A lot has happened so far in the 2016 Olympics. We've seen the human body pushed to the very extremes of what it's capable of; we've seen white boys be white boys; we've seen historic wins. And we've seen historic levels of shade. "Delete your account"-level shade. The kind of shade only an Olympian (or Hillary Clinton) could pull off.
Here are five Olympians who may not have won the gold, but they won the gold in shade-throwing, which is clearly more important in today's world.
The women's national soccer team star was not such a good sport when her team lost to Sweden this summer. “We played a bunch of cowards," she said. "The best team did not win today. I strongly, firmly believe that.”
#USWNT's Hope Solo "we lost to a bunch of cowards. The better team did not win' #Rio2016
Hope's comments prove her tongue is as sharp as her goalie skills.
3. Islam El Shehaby
Who knew heavyweight fighters could be so cold? After losing in a men's heavyweight judo match, Egypt's Islam El Shehaby threw the ultimate shade by refusing to shake hands or bow to his opponent, Israel's Or Sasson. Even the crowd was not on board with this level of shade and boo'd his bad manners.
El Shehaby was later reprimanded and sent home from the Olympics, because when it comes to throwing shade, subtlety is everything.
4. Michael Phelps
When it comes to stink eye, no one made a bigger impression this Olympic season than Michael Phelps. Him viciously eyeing down his opponent, South African swimmer Chad Le Clos, before the men's 200m butterfly, quickly went viral.
This pic of Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt mischievously grinning at his competitors behind him is shade at its most joyful and triumphant. Bolt won gold in the men's 100 meter sprint, but more importantly, he won the gold medal in throwing shade. He makes it look easy.
Nothing hurts the competition like smiling while you beat them. Better luck next time, USA. We may have more medals, but Jamaica won the shade olympics.
Honorable Mention:
McKayla Maroney
McKayla Maroney didn't compete in the 2016 Olympics but she deserves a shout out for an eye roll in 2012 was so memorable it made her into a meme four years later that is practically the embodiment of shade. Since competing in the 2012 Olympics, Maroney has since retired for a quieter, more stable life as a pop star. But we'll always remember her for this:
A photo posted by McKayla Maroney (@mckaylamaroney) on
She even posted her shade-face on her own Instagram account a year later, proof that Maroney is proud to be the poster girl for Olympic shade. As she should be!
In Egypt, the government directly hires reporters and controls the news. This week, they kicked eight female reporters off TV because they're "too fat."
Apparently Egypt thinks this woman is too fat to talk?
As reported by the BBC, the broadcasters were given one month to lose weight and achieve an "appropriate appearance." Obviously TV presenters all over the world are hired based on their appearance, but damn, what do the male anchors in Egypt look like?
You're probably thinking there's a bunch of men smoking cigars in the boardroom and throwing around words like "cankles." But surprisingly, the decision was actually approved by a woman named Safaa Hegazy, who is a former state TV anchor herself and the current director of the Egyptian Radio and Television Union (ERTU). Clearly, she drank the sugar-free Kool-Aid.
WTF is on her desk? Milk and cake and a margarita?
Apparently, the women have been given one month to slim down before they can appear on air again, which seems more like an insult than a serious effort to get these women to lose weight. Are they asking them to crash diet or just spend a month thinking about how fat they are?
Critics cite that not only does this move goes against their constitution, it contributes to the commodification of women and, even worse, is "a form of violence against women."
Despite being given the month off with pay, the broadcasters are justifiably pissed. Beyond being reduced to their body size, they've been humiliatingly singled out by name. One broadcaster, Khadija Khattab, asked viewers to watch her most recent appearance presenting news on Egypt's Channel 2 to decide for themselves if she is really "fat."
BBC Sport (no that's not a typo; British people are just cute like that) presenter Dan Walker had a difficult moment to maneuver at the Rio Olympics, when people started asking about the rather cuddly couple on the beach behind him during a live broadcast. Luckily, Dan was prepared to explain exactly what they were up to—and it was definitely "not that."
Frank Ocean's album dropped, Trump did more crazy Trump things, and the Olympics neared their end. Tweets about these stories, plus jokes about manholes, flags, time machines, and more, in the top 39 tweets of the week!
1.
music bloggers desperately trying to write the quickest, hottest take on Frank Ocean's album pic.twitter.com/0dLLPnAdr5
You may think you're the head of the household when you get a pet, but when you stop to look at it, many pets get away with a level of laziness and selfishness you would ground your children for.
Have we learned to truly understand our pets' hopes and desires or, like these 11 people who posted to reddit, is it just that our pets have us really well trained?
1. Sofia_mariza's bird has trained her owner to come.
2. Bbggh hasn't taken a crap in privacy in years.
Yet another Donald Trump staffer has bit the dust. On Friday morning, it was announced that campaign chairman Paul Manafort would be stepping down from his position. This comes in the wake of revelations about his past work (and possible role in corruption) in Ukraine, and the recent hiring of "a new leadership structure" at the top of the campaign.
Ah, don't you just love a good political scandal in the morning? Social media does. Here are 16 of the best Twitter reactions to Manafort's resignation.
1.
Breaking: Trump to replace Paul Manafort with younger, more attractive campaign manager.
America's artistic gymnasts bring home the gold for the red, white and blue Olympics after Olympics. They make the US proud and raise the profile of the sport. But while Aly Raisman and Simone Biles have become household names, fewer Americans are familiar with rhythmic gymnastics, the sister sport that's just for women (the dudes couldn't handle it) and packed with trippy contortions and flips.
Instead of competing on different apparatuses like beam and bars, Rhythmic gymnasts take their apparatuses to the floor—using balls, hoops, rope, clubs, and ribbons to perform their routines. It's time the people start appreciating how cool it is.
Here is the definitive proof that it's awesome.
1. It's like a human slam dunk.
2. Does this woman have a spine?! Amazing.
3. The routines take balls (literally and figuratively).
As beautiful as Lochtegate was, all gates must close eventually; the lifecycle of an international dumbness scandal is all-too brief in this cruel, Tweet-filled world. And alas, Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte apologized this morning for claiming he had been robbed when actually, according to his teammates, he got into a fight after he vandalized a gas station.
A photo posted by QuentinLeroy (@quentinleroyqc) on
That's because dicks have been drawn on walls, monuments, and other public spaces all throughout history. Someone probably drew a penis on the pyramids at some point (wouldn't you?). But dicks have dominated in graffiti and street art (and regular art) for way too long.
Kind of like actual vaginas, these hand-drawn stickers each have their own individual identity and personality.
No one knows where they come from, or whether the trend will continue. According to MTL Blog, the city's divided about it. Some "think it’s hilarious, while others choose to tear them down on sight."
But you can certainly hope this is the beginning of a new era, when public property will not be desecrated (or decorated) by penii alone.
