There are some rules of the Internet that everyone should know. Firstly, the longer a conversation goes on, the more likely it becomes that someone will bring up Hitler. (That someone is often Ben Carson.) Secondly, if a picture is taken of you against a solid green background, you make yourself extremely vulnerable to a Photoshop battle, and Jeb Bush did just that. Pictured on the set of a weatherman's studio, Jeb's tiny body was able to be cut and pasted into all sorts of situations. 

"He did this to me."

Jeb Fiction

"Smell my finger."

Land in sight.

"I didn't know he's into that stuff."

Obligatory FaceSwap.

​Jeezy and Yeezy

The Creation of Adam

E.T. and Jeb Bush

Next level campaigning. 

After much fanfare and Sony hacking, 'Steve Jobs' finally arrives in theaters today. It's the (second) biopic you've always wanted about the guy who made it possible for us to go around dropping our iPhones in toilets. Acclaimed actor Michael Fassbender will likely bring us some kind of deeply nuanced and electric performance in the lead role, and we'll probably all be deeply moved as well as contemplative about the role of technology in our modern lives. But will we laugh? Let's not, as a society, forget about when Steve Jobs (channeled through the body of Fred Armisen) appeared on SNL's 'Weekend Update' to rave about the iPhone's capacity to hold 2 billion songs, store 150 kabillion contacts, and turn on and off.

By now you must have heard that Justin Bieber has a penis, and that it was seen on the Internet. And it is a phallus of substantial size. As embarrassing and invasive as it is to have everyone see your penis, it's tragic when you're a grown man and that includes your father. And your father takes to Twitter to express his pride.

Jeremy Bieber is a scumbag who has been arrested for violence and harassment and once literally threw a bulldog off of a balcony. Domestic and animal abuse aside, this is a new low. Especially considering the inevitability of him going up to women in bars saying, "You've seen how big my son's is, just wait till you see mine."

The Twitter reactions to this grossness are on point. Oprah and Gayle can make the face better than you ever could. 

And the winner is:

Donni Saphire has favorited over 600,000 tweets on Twitter and he loves them all equally. He reads every tweet so you don't have to. 

Our first weekly installment of tweet picks comes during a week of tragedy and absurdity. Twitter users celebrated the arrival of fall, mocked various nonsensical claims of presidential candidates, and lamented multiple mass shootings. But there was still plenty of room to discuss Justin Bieber's endowment, the start of McDonald's all-day breakfast, and life in these United States. These are the top 50 tweets of October 4-9, 2015: 

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You deserve to take the time to look at these ecards as a prize for making it through an entire week of wasting time at the office.

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If you want Daddy to know you love him the most, you need to prove it. And you can start by wagging your tail (or waving your arm), stomping your feet (or paws), and attempting to smash through the glass front door to get to him as soon as you see his car coming down the street. Get to work, small barking creatures who love Daddy.

A homeless man in Sebastian, FL was trying to communicate something horrible to people in his local Publix: he'd found a dead body. The message was a little bit lost, though, because he was putting on a puppet show with the deceased's skull. 

According to bystander Nick Pecoraro, the man was talking to the skull and showing it off to customers, then eventually left it on a trash can. He told WPBF what tipped him off to the fact this wasn't performance art:

At first, Pecoraro thought the skull was fake until he got close enough to catch a whiff.

"It smelled like death," Pecoraro said.

He immediately called 911.

The homeless man willingly led police to a nearby wooded area where a number of local homeless people camp and showed them the rest of the remains. There's no sign of who they were, their gender or what the cause of death may have been. Happy Halloween, from Florida.

A frat threw a "Kanye Western"-themed party and is being faced with charges of racism. The party was a mixer between Sigmi Phi Epsilon and Alpha Phi at UCLA, and took place at the former organization's house. Guys dressed up like Kanye with fake goatees and whatnot, while girls dressed up like Kim using fake butts. After hearing about the party, a group of black students scoped the scene where they saw "a male student wearing blackface." They had it shut down early, but frat members didn't seem entirely apologetic. According to the LA Times:

Kelsee Thomas, a member of the black student union, said students confronted fraternity members at the party. One apologized, but laughed when he was asked to write a letter to the group, she said.

 The outrage grew after some of the pictures were shared on social media:

Both Greek life organizations have been placed on suspension while the university investigates. There was a protest yesterday afternoon, in which students marched to the University Chancellor's office and chanted slogans such as "Black culture is not a theme” and “Black Bruins Matter." The Afrikan Student Union has also called on the university to address problems with racism on UCLA's campus more broadly.

It seems that every week is becoming a bad week for fraternities.

Ellen Pompeo, notable sexy doctor Meredith Grey on Grey's Anatomy, has for some reason become involved in the James Bond Internet drama cycle. Earlier this week, recent James Bond actor Daniel Craig told Time Out he's so "over it" that he'd rather kill himself than play the character in another film.

Can you imagine doing another Bond movie?
‘Now? I’d rather break this glass and slash my wrists. No, not at the moment. Not at all. That’s fine. I’m over it at the moment. We’re done. All I want to do is move on.’

A lot of people thought he could really stand to chill. Including, apparently, Ellen Pompeo. She took to Twitter to finally address this non-issue that has nothing to do with her.

She also acknowledged that actors are often misquoted when they talk to the press, which is a weird, not really true thing that celebrities are constantly talking about. Or are they being misquoted?

Well, this is either a very forced celebrity feud, or a very interesting meet cute.

You might not be the kind of person who sees vaginas everywhere you look, but if you were looking at a frozen sports-themed Morrisons pizza, how could you avoid it? That pepperoni tunnel of love in the center is supposed to be a rugby ball. To most people, it's looking like the "Origin of the World" or a "Front Butt." But the UK grocery chain is like, no no no, we're honoring the World Cup! The Internet contests that:

Is that the most sexual pizza you've ever seen, or what?

Not everyone is catching on to tweeting at Morrisons about the #FannyPizza ("fanny" is a slang term for "vagina" in the UK), but some of their mentions are now unintentionally suggestive:

That's what she said!

A California mom was shocked when her child's Playmobil pirate ship set contained a dark-skinned figure wearing a neck shackle. Ida Lockett noticed it while assembling the gift her son received for his fifth birthday. The character, which appeared to be dark-skinned, with black hair, no shoes and tattered pants, came with instructions to put a gray choker-like piece around its neck. The boy's aunt, Aimee Norman, who purchased the gift for him, posted her concern on Playmobil's Facebook page along with images of the figure, the instructions, and Kunta Kinte from Roots:

I am MORTIFIED to have recently bought your Pirate Ship Set 5135 for my nephew only to hear that when assembling it, they found that its assembly instructions indicate to add the neck cuff/shackle to the black character's neck. I suppose it's optional as to whether a kid chooses to then place said character into chains or into a prison cell at the bottom of the ship. 

The company responded,  explaining that the figure was meant to represent a former slave who became a member of the pirate crew:

The figure was meant to represent a pirate who was a former slave in a historical context. It was not our intention to offend anyone in anyway. If you look at the box, you can see that the pirate figure is clearly a crew member on the pirate ship and not a captive.

This is actually true; on the box the character is up in the crow's nest holding a map and a gun:

It's likely historically accurate that some former slaves became pirates, and also quite understandable that the point could be lost on someone assembling the set for their child. Sometimes people are intentionally racist and it costs them their job. And sometimes things are unfortunately and accidentally racist. 

There was recently a massive traffic jam on a 50-lane highway in China and the aerial footage is unbelievable. It happened on a road right outside Beijing, at a toll both/checkpoint where a massive multi-lane highway transitions into a road with only a few lanes. Everyone was returning to the city from vacation at the same time, and because of the volume of cars and the narrowing of the road, the world's worst bottleneck was formed. Those people better have had some podcasts handy, or they were otherwise stuck playing 9999999 bottles of beer on the wall.

Jared is a 26-year-old autistic man who recently lost his father, and loves the simple pleasures of receiving snail mail to help combat grief. His cousin posted a few pictures of him along with his story on Imgur. Jared's father passed away from cancer last year, and it has been especially difficult for him because his father was his best friend. His verbal and intellectual skills are limited, but receiving mail has always made him happy, and his family thought it could be a good way to bring some joy back to his life.

His family set up a Facebook page for him, where they post updates about all the wonderful messages and gifts Jared has received from new pen pals. He loves the classics: Disney, Mickey Mouse, Scooby Doo, stickers and coloring books.

It's nice when the internet comes together for positive attention and good causes. Be sure to check out the Facebook page for address info and more heartfelt thanks from Jared.

Katie Holmes is so normal. Fame hasn't changed her. She lives a totally regular life just like all of us slobs—sorry, humans—who do our jobs and love our families and try to grow a little bit wiser every single day. For example, here's an Instagram photo of Katie Holmes doing a totally normal thing that many of us have done before: getting on the train at Penn Station in New York City. She's wearing her go-to train clothes, too: a designer dress and high heels. We have all been in this situation and we've all shared basically this exact same Instagram photo.

So what's really going on here? Is she filming a movie? Is she shooting an advertisement? Is she breaking in a new gown? Maybe she's just doing the same thing all of us are: trying to find the way home.

If you've ever come away from a Jane Austen novel and thought, "I wish that had more brain-eating," then you've probably come across Seth Grahame-Greene's parody novel Pride Prejudice and Zombies in your subsequent research. It's basically the classic romantic story of Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy, but with zombies. Let this be a warning to anyone with ambitions to authorship: your book will one day enter the public domain, where anyone will be able to simply add in whatever monster-of-the-week is fashionable to gnaw on your heroine's face. Still...this trailer looks pretty badass.

If you haven't read the book, but want to watch women stab each other in ball gowns, we won't spoil much for you. But don't expect all your favorite characters to come through this movie intact (cough Charlotte Lucas cough)!

Halloween is not the time to be a contrarian. Holidays are about tradition, particularly when they’re things to look forward to all year long, such as Halloween and Halloween candy. See, kids don’t really have any money, and Halloween allows them to get as much candy as they can carry, one night a year, for free. That means when they knock on your door, give them candy. And make sure it’s the good stuff. Do not give Trick-or-Treaters anything else, or you’ll surely be spending Nov. 1 cleaning eggs and toilet paper off of your house.

7. Coupons.

There was this one house in my neighborhood that always handed out coupons redeemable for a free doughnut at the grocery store. Doughnuts are fantastic; they’re the candy of breakfast, after all. But Halloween is about the now, and about the actual physical candy in the bag. Handing out a coupon, even if it’s for something good, like a doughnut, cookie, or some other treat, is unacceptable. Instead of a treat, you’ve given out an errand.

6. Pennies.

Somehow, with all of the spooktacular displays in stores and Hocus Pocus running on cable around the clock, you somehow forgot it was Halloween. And yet you didn’t turn off the porch light, inviting Trick-or-Treaters to approach, and getting their hopes up, even though you do not have any candy to offer. The price of a piece of fun-size candy works out to, what, a dime? And you’re handing out literal pennies. In this case, nothing is better than something, so instead, shut off the porch light and tell your phone to remind you to buy candy next Oct. 30.

5. Jack T. Chick tracts.

There is a time and place for proselytizing, and Halloween isn’t it. You aren’t going to save any kids from hellfire by angering them when you give them a disturbing comic book about church instead of a mini Snickers.

4. Toothbrushes and toothpaste.

The person that hands out dental hygiene products on Halloween is an especially douchey dentist and/or was once the kid who reminded the teacher when they didn’t assign homework. Plus, it’s a waste of money. Kids are terrible about brushing their teeth 365 days a year, not just on the one night where they get sugary candy. Every neon-colored toothbrush and every miniature tube of “fun-flavored” toothpaste is going straight into the garbage, if not the lawn and mailbox of the person who handed them out.

3. Mary Janes.

These aren't technically candy. Only really old people like these weird peanut/molasses things because it reminds them of their childhood, when everything was terrible. Technically taffy, they’re hard as a rock because no new Mary Janes have been produced since 1911.

2. Raisins.

In general, most kids like raisins. They’re incredibly sweet and you can slam a handful into your mouth and ingest a week’s worth of sugar all at once. Raisins are literally nature’s candy. Put when going head-to-head with actual candy, raisins will lose every time. Raisins aren’t candy—they’re fruit. They are, relatively speaking, healthy. Don’t even try to step on Halloween, raisins…unless you’re covered in chocolate.

1. Sugar-free candy.

Personal note: I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes when I was really young, and right before Halloween. So, several of my neighbors bought special sugar-free candy for me, and only me, so I wouldn’t feel left out when I went Trick-or-Treating. This was an incredibly kind and thoughtful gesture and one that really helped me feel “normal” again for the first time since the diagnosis. However, did you know that sugar-free candy makes you shit out all of your insides? Apparently, the artificial sweeteners used in sugar-free candy are so chemically engineered that the human body has no idea what to do with them, and it goes into lockdown mode, which is diarrhea. The ironic part is that while sugar-free candy is technically free of sucrose, the thing we call “sugar,” it is not free of carbohydrates, which means I still had to take insulin for the sugar-free candy, as I would have for regular candy. In other words, I still had to give myself the injection I would for regular candy, but then also, I got diarrhea. And then I had to write a bunch of thank-you notes to my neighbors.

Don’t hand out sugar-free candy.

Yale University just released a big ol' batch of 170,000 photos taken by the Farm Security Administration and Office of War Information between 1935 and 1945. The photos span the country from big cities to small towns, illustrating Americans at work, home, and play. Some people are taking this release of photos as an opportunity to remind us all of how badass our ancestors were, but we prefer to remind you of something different: that our ancestors liked getting sloppy on beer just as much as we do. 

1. Just two normal people and Indiana Jones having a drink in Florida.

2. Pretty sure that the guy on the left is actually David Duchovny. 

3. Aw, man. Can't believe we missed the Huck Shaffer show.

4. They're singing America's traditional drinking song, "Don't Stop Believin'."

5. Tim stood like that for 35 minutes before someone came up and punched him.

6. So many babies were conceived that night.

7. Hopefully, the things hanging from the ceiling are not lighting fixtures, but tiny beer kegs.

8. Well, this man is either drunk or possessed by a demon.

9. The stream is both nature's fridge and nature's toilet.

10.  That kid in the back is SO convinced he's about to get his first beer.

11. "If you didn't want me to sit next to you, Hal, you could just say something."

12. In fact, Jerry's story was dead boring, and they were all just humoring him because they knew he was about to get fired.

13. "Let's toast to the wheat that feeds our families, and the hidden feelings we'll never discuss with them!"

14. Life story of the guy on the right: "First I was one year old. Then, a year later, I was two. A year after that, wouldn't you know... I was three!"

15. Joe Gladski's cellar was off the hook.

There's a big problem with Halloween: you're supposed to stop going trick-or-treating at an age when the desire to go trick-or-treating doesn't really stop. Sure, you can trade running around getting candy in silly costumes for sexy, alcohol-fueled parties, but let's be honest—those parties are nowhere near as fun as the old days. Thankfully, the adults in this list have shown us that growing up and having kids actually lets you revert to your childhood once more, when Halloween was fun and innocent. Let's take a moment to honor them and their amazingly coordinated group costumes that their kids probably didn't consent to.

1. These 'Doctor Who' fans.

2. These Robin Williams devotees.

3. These Minecrafters.

4. This Pokéfamily.

5. These Batman fans.

6. This fairy tale duo.

7. This Ghostbuster and marshmallow man.

8. These 'Adventure Time' Fans.

9. This Super Mario Family.

10. These Dora fans.

11. These bad influences.

12. These 'Finding Nemo' fans.

13. This group of unlikely friends that are on a quest.

14. This other Pokéfamily.

15. This nightmare family.

16. This visual representation of motherhood fears.

17. These X-Filers.

18. These Rugrats.

19. This shark attack.

20. These Adamses.

21. This Ripley.

22. This mythical unifamily.

23. These 'Star Wars' fans.

24. These 'roos.

25. These Avengers.

26. These Flinstoneses.

It's Friday, which means it's time to celebrate the death of another dumb work week. Attack your weekend with the same vim and vigor that Willow the mini pig brings to his life. Splash around in your metaphorical pool of friendships! Run around the yard of free time! Scratch your back up against the folding camp chair of sleeping in! You've been a human tethered to a computer all week; it's time to let your mini-pig play. 

Previously:

• Forget your sh*tty week with this dog that falls asleep standing up.
• Forget your sh*tty week with this bunny eating Doritos.
• Forget your sh*tty week with this partially paralyzed cat that loves to play.