We have successfully survived the first week of April without the sun swallowing up the earth, and honestly that's cause enough for celebration. While Trump attempts to ruin the global and further tarnish any gleams of hope left in the heart of America, it's important to appreciate some fine Twitter humor.
So, without further adieu, here are some of the best tweets from this week that have nothing to do with Trump.
My girlfriend told me she would suck John Mayer’s dick in front of her own dad because she loves him so much. I said the girl on a netflix show we were watching was cute and she got mad and told me to watch it by myself.
my boyfriend was like "you want me to sing you to sleep?" i was like uh you've never sang me to sleep before what's going on here??? and this dude started yodeling like the lil boy from walmart oh my god
Meghan Markle’s dad reading a picture book about england when his daughter is about to marry into the royal family is me cramming before an exam pic.twitter.com/Ifa1I7PKUm
If a picture is worth a thousand words, school picture day pictures might be worth even more. These perfectly planned school photos are for sure worth at least a few thousand.
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This article was first published by our partners at Awkward.
Sunburns are one of life’s most effective ways of letting you know you screwed up. Not only do they hurt, they also serve as a visible reminder, for you and anyone who might see you, to put on some sunscreen next time.
It’s bad enough to walk around looking like Patrick from Spongebob. But full sunburns are nothing compared to the even more embarrassing partial sunburn, the kind that leaves a big weird design on your body, in sunburn form. Some of these sunburns were accidental. Others, inexplicably, were actually planned out.
Does that make it better or worse? You decide.
1. A victim of the sudden food coma.
2. He’s still getting the hang of roll-on sunscreen.
3. He’s the #1 Fan, and the #1 Aloe Purchaser
4. This guy just needed a friend 🙁
5. The “hand on the stomach” is bad, but…
6. …the “second hand going towards the crotch” is worse.
7. Either this guy loves Body Glove surfwear, or he’s the world’s worst superhero.
8. Batman has no limits, and neither does this guy.
9. You’ve heard of a farmer’s tan, here’s a “recently divorced guy’s tan.”
10. It’s a long way to the top.
11. As if wearing Crocs wasn’t embarrassing enough…
12. You knew there’d be one of these.
13. He’s not afraid to go off on a tangent. (Math joke.)
14. This man just wants to bring happiness to the world.
15. And finally, there’s no better way to start prom season than with a bad decision.
This article was first published by our partners at Awkward.
We are living in a time where the world of dating needs its own dictionary. Every one and their mother is familiar with the cruel dating trend known as ghosting.
Not to be confused with getting Marleyed, which is when you hook up with an old flame during the holidays, getting "Haunted" is when an ex won't stop hovering over your life.
Whether it's through social media stalking or IRL social encounters, getting haunted is when your ex won't fully let the relationship die.
While speaking to Daily Mail, the sex expert Nikki Goldstein described the phenomenon of haunting, and how it's just a new term for a very old romantic problem.
"Haunting comes out in two different ways, when an ex is purposefully popping up in your lives or they're looking at your social media. The downside of technology is you can haunt someone so easily. The introduction of a like or a click can really unnerve somebody."
If you're reading this, it's likely you've been on both ends of a haunting at one time or another. While the concept of lingering emotionally (or physically) over an ex's life certainly isn't new, our current age of social media and technology makes the hauntings ever more real and treacherous.
Basically, love is hell and the reality of "haunting" is just another manifestation of that hell.
It's the weekend and we could all use a good laugh to sustain us as we press on towards Monday. Luckily for us, the internet is a vast ocean full of jokes just waiting for us. Since dads are one of the most classic subjects of humor, I thought I would hand-pick some of the best tweets about dads, by dads, and roasting dads for your lazy Sunday reading.
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[kids party] "This bouncy castle is twice the price of last year" Dad no "That's.." Please no dad "..Inflation for you" *kids start crying*
The world is full of delightful and sometimes traumatizing optical illusions, and once you start paying attention, you'll find them at every turn. While there are plenty of wholesome images you could spot in a cloud or cup of coffee, many of us are more oriented towards perversion. After all, what's the fun in seeing more pureness and beauty in the world?!
Obviously, there is a time and place to pull back our perversions and focus on the virtuous parts of life. But when it comes to optical illusions, who is actually interested in a cloud that looks like a flower?! However, a cloud that looks like a dick?! Beautiful art for the hungry and twisted masses.
Here are just a few completely innocent photos from Reddit that may appear dirty to your perverted mind.
1. This falling snow woman.
2. These pole dancing bears.
3. This feminine latte.
4. This oddly familiar cave.
5. This bootylicious meal.
6. This phallic door stain.
7. This hard working Giraffe.
8. This veggie with back.
9. These thirsty AF mushrooms.
10. Nature's thigh gap.
11. This sumptuous tree.
12. This woman's well endowed tree.
13. These graphic instructions.
14. This rock.
15. This traumatizing cereal box.
16. This thicc mushroom.
17. This booty popping tree.
18. These trees that are getting it on.
19. This tree's nipple.
If you're lucky, these photos will haunt you for the rest of your weekend.
And now, Reynolds is lovingly bantering with John Krasinski aka Jim from The Office about his latest starring vehicle A Quiet Place.
Despite past claims that he'll never break up with his jazz cabbage smoking mother, Reynolds is now claiming Krasinski and Emily Blunt as his new parents.
"Thank you Son. Your mother and I are so proud," Krasinski wrote.
People on Twitter are loving the banter.
It's getting a lot of people pumped for the movie. Still, others are concerned about Reynolds' REAL mother who may now be left in the dust.
Incredibly effective horror film with a solid emotional core. Sound design/editing bring an insane level of immersion that created such a unique experience. Brought an awareness to how we are as audience members; i.e. talking, eating, drinking. Love that Krasinski shot 35mm film.
I've been really excited to see #AQuietPlace, and after reading this, I'm even MORE excited! Your new parents must be so proud! 😂 I've heard nothing but great things!
Everything about this exchange confirms both my desire to see this movie, and my desire to see Krasinski play the alarmingly same-age dad to Reynolds in a movie.
A Twitter user named Alexa (@alexarosecarter) posted a picture of a sign her sister held up for her at the airport as she returned home from a school trip to Costa Rica, and the tweet has gone crazy viral because of what the sign said.
Her 12-year-old sister's sign welcomed Alexa home not from Costa Rica, but from rehab. The sign, on a huge piece of poster board, read, "Welcome Home From Rehab Alexa, 90 Days Sober" and included pictures of crossed out needles and the words "No More" written next to a picture of pot.
so my 12 year old sister made this sign and held it up in the airport in front of EVERYONE as i was walking down the escalator after my SCHOOL trip. pic.twitter.com/dUKzhMlrjn
A ton of people in the comments thought the prank was hilarious, but some people didn't find it funny, saying the sign poked fun at the serious issue of chemical dependency. On the other hand, some of the people who thought the tweet was the funniest were the ones that said they themselves had struggled with chemical dependency, and that they personally weren't at all offended.
Addiction is NOTHING to joke about. That is very offensive. There are real people who struggle with addiction out there and you really shouldn’t be making fun of it.
The discussion was brought up many times throughout the thread of responses. Even the issue of whether or not addiction should be considered an illness was discussed.
Addiction is considered a mental illness and people are struggling with it so I don’t know how this funny. Also, if she made the poster into something similar to suicide and was saying “No more razors” everyone would go insane.
Addiction isn't a disease. No one forced them to stick the needle in their arm. No one forced them to pop that pill. CANCER is a disease, you don't get to pick & choose if you want it. You handle the cards you're dealt.
Addiction starts way before the drug or drink is ingested. It is like having depression. No one forced them to do drugs, true. But if you havent been in their shoes or in their minds then you truly cannot judge. It is not a party it is not fun. It a person suffering.
Actually they have chemical inbalances in the brain and genetic disorders. It is in the same category as being bipolar or having depression. It is an illness.
This is a fallacy. Doing drugs is a side effect of addiction not the cause. In the same way that suicidal thoughts are a side effect of depression. You can suffer from addiction without doing drugs. However, original post is hilarious.
I have (27 yrs sober) and I think it’s a harmless prank. But I wish that people who really do go to rehab would have supportive family, friends and community like this waiting for them. That would render this prank obsolete and would actually help someone.
Some here are clearly addicted to recreational outrage. It’s funny and wickedly clever for a 12 y/o. Want to know what revenge older sis is plotting.,,
If you spend a lot of time online (or on Twitter, at least) you've probably seen the latest meme: the "if you don't deserve me at my [insert picture of someone looking bad], then you don't deserve me at my [insert picture of same person looking significantly better]" one.
One of the funniest examples has to have come from none other than Mariah Carey. MiMi tweeted two pictures of herself, and in one of them she looks pretty rough.
Dating can be pretty hard, and apps like Tinder were created to make matching up with someone much easier. Of course, if the person you match with isn't exactly looking for the same thing as you, that can be a problem. And I'm not even talking about how some people want a serious relationship while other are just trying to hook up. As this tweet shows, people apparently use Tinder for things other than dating altogether.
A woman named Lyra posted a tweet showing one of her Tinder matches — a guy playing football in the picture, and a message from him asking her if she was looking to "play."
Given his picture, she assumed he meant play football, but he wrote back, "Read my bio."
So she did, and it turns out dude's not even looking to hook up at all. He just wants to play Words With Friends 2. (He made a point of that: 2, not 1.)
He wrote, "IM ONLY HERE TO PLAY WORDS WITH FRIENDS. If you're not gonna respond, don't match." He added that no one on Tinder would get his eggplant (dick). BUT they would get Chipotle if they won. So basically he's really desperate, but not for a date, for another game of the Scrabble-like Words With Friends. 2! Not 1!
Lyra didn't seem to mind much, posting the tweet and writing, "This is my favorite tinder experience ever."
The tweet got sort of big, and one woman replied that she was in a match of the game with the dude right then.
5. Lorde, because she was in hot water over Whitney Houston bathtub joke (Whitney Houston died in the bathtub).
Instagram comments are the ultimate Melodrama.
Singer-songwriter Lorde, the real-life Wednesday Addams, posted an extremely tone-deaf Instagram that may or may not have been intentional. The Kiwi pseudo-goth posted a picture of a bathtub with the caption, "And iiiii will always love you," a song made famous by Whitney Houston.
As every Houstonhead knows, Whitney tragically drowned in a bathtub in 2012.
Needless to say, after relaxing in the bath, Lorde ceased to be zen after reading her notifications.
After drying off, Lorde quickly apologized, insisting that she wasn't thinking about Houston's tragic accident but rather was super psyched to relax in a hot tub.
Children like Lorde are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
4. The Fox News host who accidentally broadcasted how untrustworthy he is.
This shot is hella tight.
This just in: a shocking development. Fox News actually reported something accurate for once, displaying a fact that's not only against their propagandistic brand but was also at their own expense.
Yesterday morning on Tight Shot, host Howard Kurtz was yik yakking with his guest Frank Luntz about how good the economy is, but how bad Trump's tweets are, because the latter distracts from the former.
Discussing Trump's favorite catch phrase "FAKE NEWS!", Kurtz put up a poll that said that nearly half of all Americans trusted CNN—Trump's least favorite channel after the History channel—more than they trusted him.
The graph also showed that according to the Monmouth University poll, Fox News is the least trusted network, which Kurtz caught and said ," That is not the graphic we are looking for. Hold off. Take that down please."
3. Mark Zuckerberg, because he's officially kicked off his apology tour in Washington.
Is it too late now to say sorry?
Mark Zuckerberg would like you to know that he's sorry Facebook dot com made your personal information available to third-party apps and therefore open a Pandora's Box of misinformation and targeted ads that resulted in catastrophic votes around the world.
Tomorrow, the character that earned Jesse Eisenberg an Oscar nomination is testifying before the Senate Commerce and Judiciary committees, and later he will address the House Energy and Commerce Committee, which has already published his prepared remarks.
"It’s clear now that we didn’t do enough to prevent these tools from being used for harm as well," Zuckerberg plans to tell Congress. "That goes for fake news, foreign interference in elections, and hate speech, as well as developers and data privacy. We didn’t take a broad enough view of our responsibility, and that was a big mistake. It was my mistake, and I’m sorry. I started Facebook, I run it, and I’m responsible for what happens here."
While that may not be Aaron Sorkin-level writing, Zuckerberg insists that he feels real bad about his business model that rewards controversy over accuracy, and is humbly surprised by how vast his power overseeing the communications and private information of 2.2 billion individuals has become.
C-SPAN is already pitching Zuckerberg vs. Congress as the biggest showdown since Wrestlemania, so get your popcorn ready.
It's going to be more awkward than a Facebook "poke."
2. The Disney employee who tweeted-and-deleted a really depressing joke.
Depression can happen to anyone; man, woman, or mouse.
Someone at Disney's social media decided to trade their "Happiest Place on Earth!" brand for some emo attempt at humor and it did not go over too well. Sad!
Twitter is filled with enough nihilistic jokes without the House of Mouse trying to relate to the sad, sad millennials.
Maybe I’m wrong here, but this feels sad and lame. Not “delete this” territory, but you’re Disney, be Disney. We need a Disney. https://t.co/g5vWNleGBn
Meet Brenna Spencer. She's a senior at University of Tennessee-Chattanooga, and she doesn't take ~*normal*~ graduation photos, she takes cool graduation photos.
Spencer's proud pose with a murder weapon went viral, as the internet has found its new Tammy Lasagna.
Actor Katherine McPhee got in on the latest meme, the "if you don't love me at my [worst], then you don't deserve me at my [best], but in doing so, she threw shade at the play, Smash, that she was in, before going on to be in Waitress.
I still get goosebumps when I listen to this song. You and the entire cast of #SMASH are brilliant! Hopefully you will enjoy the new show😁 pic.twitter.com/4US4vpDGx3
When students at Southern Oregon University recently got this alarming school-wide email warning them about a cougar sighting over the weekend, one student took the opportunity to make the perfect joke.
"We live in an work in a beautiful alley," begins the terrifying email. "And if you haven't already heard, please be aware cougars have been seen recently in and around Ashland."
Personally, I would've taken this opportunity to drop out of college in pursuit of safer, cougar-free goals. But University of Southern Oregon students have thicker skin than I.
Especially one student, who we don't know by name—but we do know that when he sees an opportunity for a joke, he makes it.
"That's just my mom," responded the anonymous hero.
Now, making a cougar joke in a school-wide email is a bold move. But clearly this young hero's courage paid off, because one of his classmates, Lauren Devine, admired his bravery and shared screenshots on Twitter where they — yup! — went viral.
My school sent out a warning about cougar sightings & some kid replied this to the entire school 💀💀 pic.twitter.com/JjwhKRk4BM
Lauren's tweet has been retweeted over 76,000 times proving, once again, that the key to fame is not hard work or talent but just a well-placed cougar joke.
At the end of the day, none of us ever really grow up.
Searched, seized, delivered. The New York Timesreported—and the dude's lawyer confirmed—that the F.B.I. has conducted a raid on both the office and the home of Trump's longtime lawyer, Michael Cohen.
Federal prosecutors in Manhattan obtained the search warrant after receiving a referral from the special counsel, Robert S. Mueller III, according to Mr. Cohen’s lawyer, who called the search “completely inappropriate and unnecessary.” The search does not appear to be directly related to Mr. Mueller’s investigation, but likely resulted from information he had uncovered and gave to prosecutors in New York.
Now, the sitting president's lawyer being raided by the FBI may sound like a big deal, but that's only because IT'S A BIG DEAL. According to pundits and lawyers, this deal is big.
FBI just raided Trump lawyer Michael Cohen's office, NYT reports.
Documents seized include records relating to payment to Stormy Daniels.
It's my understanding that government doesn't raid the offices of any lawyer lightly. The layers of bureaucratic approval that a raid of THE SITTING PRESIDENT'S LAWYER must have gone through simply boggles my mind. https://t.co/WjjZm69BsZ
Re Cohen raid: Presumably the Justice Deparment had to convince a judge that the crime fraud exception applied here, allowing them to surmount attorney client privilege. That’s a huge deal.
It really can’t be overstated how extraordinary this is. And it seems dubious it’s just about a potential campaign finance violation. https://t.co/tj6SUZbuq1
Unfortunately for @realDonaldTrump-now confidential communications w his attorney @MichaelCohen212 have been seized-assuming seizure handled legally to honor attorney client privilege-then every & anything bad that’s ever been done between them can be fodder for a feast. Big Deal
With the way the law works, the FBI wouldn't have gone in without a search warrants, and a judge wouldn't have approved a search warrant if there wasn't probable cause to assume that a crime was committed.
Cohen (and Trump!) right now.
Vanity Fair adds that not only was Cohen's office raided, but his home was too. Oh, and that his home is in a hotel.
"The paparazzi lingering outside the Loews Regency on Park Avenue, hoping to get a photo of U.F.C. fighter Conor McGregor, appeared not to notice the stream of F.B.I. agents who entered the New York hotel early Monday morning, as they made their way up to the room where the president’s personal lawyer, Michael Cohen, has been staying," the magazine reports.
If you have your copy of THE LIST handy, please turn to the table of contents and find all the ways other than Stormy Daniels that Michael Cohen is f^cked. pic.twitter.com/pkGxr4iEd4
*Michael Cohen unsuccessfully trying to flush reel-to-reel sex tapes down a toilet because it’s already clogged with a brick of coke and a four-inch think folder labeled “Ukrain Murderz”
Yes, nothing beats the convenience of purchasing your clothes without ever leaving your couch, but buyer beware: what you see is not always what you get.
A Twitter user named Becky Latham (@Becky_Latham27) recently ordered a discounted winter coat from the store Urban Outfitters. What she received instead is this bloated monstrosity fit for the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man:
LeBron James trolled the Knicks with his kicks before a game at Madison Square Garden on Monday night.
Nearly five months ago, LeBron caught some heat for referring to himself as the "King of New York" in an Instagram post after the Cavaliers defeated the Knicks back on November 13th :
This didn't sit well with Knicks team member Enes Kanter, who in an interview said, "I don't care who you are, what you call yourself. King, queen, princess...we're going to fight. Nobody out there is going to punk us."
LeBron responded by saying, "Well, I'm the king, my wife is the queen and my daughter is the princess...so we have all three covered."
But LeBron was not going to let things go that easy. On Monday, he wore these sneakers that say "I'm King" on the heels for his return to MSG. It was a clapback five months in the making:
Pregnancy is a beautiful thing. So beautiful you want to cherish the memories in photos forever. And these? These are DEFINITELY something to be cherished.
1. Creeper
2. Fly away with me
3. Ummm
4. Somewhat insulting
5. Questionable is right
6. Is it comforting?
7. Feeling fancy?
8. No words…
9. That can’t be sanitary
10. But why
11. Shouldn’t they switch beverages?
12. Classy
13. How do they know what baby looks like yet?
14. I mean, sure.
15. Explaining how they got there?
16. Quite a view
17. So…feathery
This article was first published by our partners at Awkward.
Kids are gullible — that's just their nature. So it makes sense that a lot of kids grow up believing stuff that isn't true. Sometimes it's stuff other people told them, and sometimes it's things they came up with on their own, but either way, it's just downright wrong. Like, for example, you can swallow watermelon seeds. But if you had asked me at age 8, I would have warned you that if you did so, a watermelon would grow in your stomach. I'm now 80-85 percent sure this isn't true.
Here's 11 people sharing the things they learned as kids that turned out to be completely untrue. THANKS, liars (you know who you are).
My brother convinced me that the sound of cicadas in the summertime was actually the sound of the sun’s rays beating down on Earth. For years I believed him and would comment on how it “sounds” really hot outside.
Our parents are deaf so they just went along with it.
It was late at night, we were driving home, and I was at that age where I ask a question every 3 minutes. For some reason I'm the only person in my family that's never been baptised, and my little cousin had just recently been baptised, so I wanted to learn more. I asked my mum if you get baptised do you have to become a priest. She probably didn't listen, and I can't blame her, because she gave me a very offhand "yes".
I was so smug knowing my cousin was resigned to be a priest & I could be whatever I want. What a little shit I was.
You can totally have appetizers for dinner, the restaurant doesn't even care.
Edit: Apparently this is confusing, as I guess I technically I phrased it backwards. As a kid, I was told you aren't allowed to have appetizers for your main course, and obviously you are very much allowed to if that is what you desire for dinner.
Last week, for the first time (24 years old) I realised you could eat half of your dinner, take the other as takeout for a lunch later in the week and save some belly room for dessert.
I used to think that you could only get dessert in a restaurant if you finished your plate first.
My mom told me and my twin sister that when it was foggy outside it was because the frogs were singing and she would say "it's froggy outside." My twin literally argued with a teacher about what fog is and where it comes from. She told a whole class it was because frogs were singing and then went home and told my mom that the teacher was crazy and teaching us wrong information.
That Santa was shot down over Algeria. Some kid in my kindergarten made it sound like a breaking news story so we all believed him. Turns out there isn’t a Santa.
I was told that when you go to the bathroom on a plane and flush, your poop literally falls down but it all falls apart into small pieces before it hits anyone.
I didn't find out the truth until I was 24. I went on a trip with my 2 best friends and they were confused as to why I was busting but refusing to go to the bathroom. I told them I had to wait until the plane hit a certain altitude so I don't attack someone underneath...
Snoop Dogg appeared onJimmy Kimmel Live! on Monday to promote his new gospel-inspired album, "Bible of Love," but it didn't take long for the conversation to shift to something a little less holy— weed.
"Do you think they have pot in heaven?" asked Kimmel.
"I know they do," said Snoop.
Snoop Dogg and Kimmel started theorizing who would be on "the Mount Rushmore of Weed," besides Snoop himself, of course, and the rapper said he would have to include the one person who has ever out-smoked him.
Hint: it ain't Martha Stewart.
"Willie Nelson is the only person who’s ever out-smoked Snoop Dogg," the rapper revealed. "I had to hit the timeout button."
"Have you ever hit that button before?"asked Kimmel.
"Never. Never," answered Snoop Dogg.
Dang. Well, that is the least surprising thing I've heard all day.
Twitter user @StrickJackson (whose name is Jackson) was just sitting at home, being drunk and generally minding his own business, when he got a text from an unknown number.
So I guess some random number texted me last night while I was drunk and this happened pic.twitter.com/6523FIaRaO
It turns out that the text wasn't from a friend whose number he just hadn't put in his phone. It was a wrong number: someone trying to reach a Michelle. The texter's boyfriend, Trevor, was apparently hooking up with Michelle, who also happened to be his cousin.
The text started out furious, but also strange. "Eat you out?"
Our man let her know that she had the wrong number, but that wasn't the end of it.
It's not too surprising that Trevor gave his girlfriend a wrong number for Michelle, given that she was now threatening to eat her out kick her ass.
This had to be the strangest, most bold request Jackson had received in a loooong time. The texter wanted to know if Jackson would pretend to be her cousin, who SHE was hooking up with. Incest warrants incest, I guess.
And after Jackson declined and the conversation turned nasty, Trevor said he hoped that Michelle was getting the "cousin special." Ugh. THE COUSIN SPECIAL. Also, she probably was.
Jackson's tweet went viral, with lots of people weighing in. Some thought the whole conversation was fake.
It is the kind of thing that really would end up on Maury, so if someone comes on with a boyfriend named Trevor who is also hooking up with his cousin Michelle, you know that this was real.
