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This guy's Instagram is so ridiculous, even Chrissy Teigen noticed. Try not to snort-laugh.

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What a privilege to raise awareness of an Instagram feed so absurd, it's taking the Internet by storm. It doesn't belong to a celebrity, it's not a viral stunt that's actually an advertising campaign, and it's not relevant unless you love stupid #content. That's why I'm here today, and possibly why I'm here on this planet. It is my greatest joy to introduce to you "Hard Rock" Nick Johannsen.

View this post on Instagram

hard as hell. #specialbread

A post shared by Nicholas Rock Johannsen (Nick) (@hardrocknick) on

Nick is not a rock star. He's not even a musician. He IS, however, the animating force behind an Instagram presence so hilariously ridiculous, Chrissy Teigen can't help but be obsessed.

Ok, let's start from the beginning. We're all indebted to @wwwdotyoutube for this thread that brought Hard Rock Nick Culture to the masses.

"there are jelly packets"

His Facebook account is similarly legendary, if extremely problematic. He and John Mayer have one thing in common and it's not musical ability.

He's looking for a NATURAL beauty, ladies, despite what his lash extensions and makeup might indicate. Natural! No fakes for this authentic, down to earth, definitely-not-lying-about-everything guy.

The plot thickened as people came forward to share information and anecdotes about Nick. Ends up his name isn't 'Nick' and he's super scary. This next thread is long, so I've only included the first part. Click through if your life, like mine, has been utterly consumed by this assclown's existence.

As you probably assumed, Nick's lifestyle isn't the luxurious romp through Hollywood he portrays it as on social media. It's more about, like, eating fast food and working in Amazon warehouses.

The full thread DEMANDS to be read in its entirety. You must. It's riveting. Oh Nick, you wildly unconvincing charlatan. You might not have my heart, but you do have my attention, which is a valuable commodity nowadays. Also Chrissy Teigen's!


23 Workplace Memes Everyone Should Laugh At By 5pm.

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You work hard all dang day. It's time for a laugh break. Check out these hilarious workplace memes and watch your stress melt away.

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Guy pretends to get stood up on Valentines Day as an 'experiment.' The internet is divided.

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There is a thin line between a funny prank and outright emotional manipulation, and that line is constantly debated among prankers and prankees alike.

One such debate was sparked when the Twitter user Stephen Bonser decided to go to Outback Steakhouse alone on Valentines Day, with the intention of pretending he was getting stood up on a date.

The intention of the ruse, of course, was to see if he would receive a free steak dinner out of his performative sadness.

Regardless of the results, his sister promised she would pay for him so long as he went through with the act.

And so, Bonser stuck to his word and live-tweeted his fictional Valentines Day date.

He kept his ruse next level by pretending to leave a worried voicemail on his phone while within earshot of the waiters.

He even brought in a fake present for his non-existent date.

The image he created was genuinely sad, albeit entirely manipulated.

He ended up chugging the chardonnay that was poured for his date minutes before the kitchen closed, as a final act of dramatic effect.

The waiter was very gentle and swift, so as not to upset Bonser on his bombed date.

He even shared an audio clip of his fake voicemail with his Twitter followers.

He also decided the name of his imaginary date was Katherine.

Unlike Katherine, the steak did in fact arrive looking fine as hell.

He also, in the ultimate customer faux pas, sat staring at his untouched steak 30 minutes after the restaurant closed.

Apparently, as kind people who empathized with his plight, a couple at the bar paid for his meal.

Bonser shared he would be donating $50 to the ACLU in honor of the couple who bought his meal.

Apparently, the waiter even stopped him before leaving, to give him some words of encouragement.

While some people thought the performance was funny, a lot of people pointed out how Bonser essentially spent the night manipulating strangers into feeling sorry for him, accepted their money, and gave a mediocre tip after forcing a server to stay after their shift.

However, despite the backlash, one woman offered to go on a real date with Bonser.

What do you think of Bonser's prank - funny and harmless, or deeply selfish and manipulative?!

25 hilarious tweets from women this week that have nothing to do with Trump.

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It's been a crazy week, with President Trump seizing power and overriding Congress by declaring a national emergency to build his wall and stuff.

None of these tweets have anything to do with this "emergency" (that is so emergency-y that Trump is spending the weekend golfing). Enjoy!

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19 Hilarious Memes That Perfectly Nail What It's Like To Be Single In 2019.

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If you are single you will definitely relate to these hilarious memes. Take a break from swiping and get ready to laugh.

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12 people share stories of near-death experiences that will make you value life a little more.

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It's easy to feel invincible when you're #blessed with good health, a roof over your head, and food only one Seamless delivery away. But life is incredibly fragile and can end in a split second, as one harrowing Reddit thread recently made clear. spacexe asked "What was your scariest 'A second later and I would've died' moment?" and people came through with some terrifying responses. I might never talk to a stranger, get inside a car, or go near a train ever again. Sure, I'd be doomed to a life of isolation and solitude...but remember when I mentioned Seamless? As long as someone brings food to my door, I'm set. In the meantime, read the below anecdotes and feel justified in your everyday paranoia.

1. Acridid12 got lucky.

I was walking into a Miller's Outpost (tells you the time period) and the 'M' from the sign above the store fell down and hit me on the shoulder. It was a big glass sign. One moment sooner and it hits my head. Because it drew blood, the store offered to give me any item I wanted so I wouldn't sue. I chose an awful red cardigan. I was 16 and dumb.

2. clipperlad was almost kidnapped! Omg.

I can not confirm whether this would have been death however it would have changed my and my parents life like death. I was about 6 or 7 and I went along with my mum to go train the new puppy we had. The training ground was quite far away from home and I remember that it was a big field surrounded by a forest and a motorway on the side of it. I was told to stay in the car and play on my gameboy (back when they were a thing lol). After an hour or so I got bored and I went to have a look at where my mum was with our puppy. The carpark was a little while from the training ground but I decided to walk towards her anyway. In the meantime an older man (30ish) starts talking to me and the naive little boy I was I talked back (regardless of all the times my mum told me to NOT TALK TO STRANGERS). He convinced me I was going the wrong way and told me he would take me to my mum and puppy has. We ended up by the motorway side and we were about to walk down the bank to the side of the motorway where his car was parked. As I am about to disappear down the bank I hear the loudest scream of my name from my mum, I look back and feel the grip of the man tighten on my hand but I was just in time to get my hand out of his grip and run towards my mother. My mum runs past me to see where this guy is but he had just got into his car and drove off. To this day I still imagine about the what if scenario and how close I was to being kidnapped and potentially killed.

3. LongJohnColt offered a variation on the theme.

My story is "a second earlier and I would have died."

Basically I got t-boned by a van while riding my bicycle. Missed me by a couple inches, destroyed the back of the bike, and threw me into traffic.

4. ethanlan's life could've ended in a split second.

Outside my college dorm my freshman year there was this "stoop" that was half under the building, half out from under it. The building was 18 stories tall.

So I'm sitting out there sitting on the steps (not under the building) and I get up for no real reason and walk under the building. As soon as I get under the building, a huge sheet of glass falls right where I was sitting. Some idiots where messing around on the 11th floor and knocked a 10x9 window pane out of its mooring.

5. kimb0q reinforced my irrational fear of elevators.

My friend and I were taking an elevator down to the cafeteria in our dorm in college. For some reason, we were arguing about something when the doors opened, so we hung back for a second.

Then the elevator dropped two floors with the doors open.

I still hate getting in/out of elevators and I do a weird running start every time.

Edit: happened in Canada, was an old building/elevator (<1950s)

Second Edit: We were in the elevator when it dropped. More terrified of the “getting sliced in half” aspect than the drop.

6. NZT-48Rules was in the worst carpool EVER.

When I was in junior high I was car pooling with another kid and her mom. For a reason I can't fathom she decided to race a transit train hoping to get across the tracks before the train stopped traffic. She gunned the car. I was in the back seat screaming NO. She hit the train. Because I was in the back seat I was injured the least. I had a pointy piece of metal pierce through my jeans and flesh until it hit bone. Had she been a second faster the train would have hit us broad side and killed us all.

Edit To answer the questions. This was 1980. She was not charged or sued. It was labelled an accident. She and her daughter suffered broken bones, lacerations and concussions. Because of the parental acrimony I couldn't be friends with the girl anymore. The family moved away before the end of the school year. I know at the time her mum was still not working. I'm not sure if she ever went back to work. Clearly she had or had developed some kind of mental or emotional problem which the accident probably made worse. I wondered if she was an alcoholic who began day drinking, but I never mentioned my suspicion to anyone. I needed crutches for a few months.

7. janearcade evaded certain death.

About 30 years ago my family and I were driving up to Jasper, Alberta in the winter. There was a slow car in front of us, and an impatient one behind us who kept trying to pass. Eventually the car behind us did pass, on a blind corner and hit a logging truck head on. The slow car in front of us was also hit, but my dad managed to put us in the shoulder and not in the collision.

This was way before mobile phones, or anything like that. So I remember my dad and my older brother getting out and going over the other cars and talking with the truck driver. It was this indescribable moment of total silence, and freezing cold, and disbelief until the authories came (quite a bit later). I remember sitting in the backseat with my younger brothers wondering what the hell just happened.

8. That's scary, fms10, but at least you got to miss work.

I passed out at work and came around in the hospital. They diagnosed a bleed on the brain and eventually decided to drill a hole in my skull to drain the fluid. Just as they were about to put me under, the phone rang. It was the Head of Neurology. I actually had a burst aneurysm. According to my doctor, I would have probably been dead seconds after they started the surgery.

9. elephantlover85 almost died thanks to a nurse's negligence.

When I was in middle school I called my mom on my cell during lunch because my head hurt so badly I couldn't move (she was 1 on speed dial). Well the nurse came and brought me to the office for a check up and some pain pills while I waited for my mom (we didn't live close). Nurse said no fever, and to take me home and put me to bed. My mom watched me get into the truck and decided that maybe we should go to the hospital to be safe. By the time we reached the hospital (it was further then our home) my temp was at 104 and I was incapacitated. I had meningitis. If we went home and she put me to bed like the nurse suggested, I never would have woken up.

Edit for detail: For those who keep asking/speculating it was Viral Meningitis (the less severe form) but it progressed very quickly. I had no headache when I arrived at school. By lunch time I couldn't move on my own and I couldn't see because light was too bright. The nurse came to get me and I didn't have a fever. After waiting for my mom 10 minutes and the 20 minute drive to the hospital and 10 minute wait at the hospital it was at 104. Yes we told the nurse after, but there was only some of the symptoms when I left school. She never gave me or my mother advice again, just told symptoms and gave pain meds.

10. Of COURSE some dumb teen driver almost killed HopelessDreamerDM.

I was freshman in college and came back to my hometown for fall break. I decided to go to a football game to hang out with some old friends. On the way home, I stopped at a red light and when it turned green, I pulled forward, as usual.

From the left, a truck suddenly hit me. He was speeding and ran the red light, t-boned me right in front of my driver's door. I luckily got out with just an injured knee and fractured clavicle and some bruising.

It haunted me for a while that, had I pulled forward just a little faster or he had been just a quarter second slower he would've gone straight into my driver's door and I likely wouldn't have made it.

He wasn't even drunk or under the influence, it was just a 16-year-old kid not paying attention.

11. luckygiraffe experienced danger while working construction.

I was working on a pipe crew in 1998, we were installing a large concrete vault in a pretty big hole. I'm standing in a ditch about six feet deep marking grade while the excavator operator is digging. So to the front of me is a large excavator bucket, itself weighing hundreds of pounds and backed by powerful hydraulics and thousands of pounds of steel armature, and behind me is a solid concrete wall about a foot thick. And the ditch is only a few feet wide and too tall for me to jump or climb out of with any kind of speed.

Suddenly the excavator spins to one side and the arm snaps out to full extension with full force, and the operator shuts it down. The bucket missed my head by about a foot. He climbs out of the machine, visibly shaken, and tells me that something has failed on the machine and the arm "wasn't supposed to have done that." So as he's been digging he's been noticing that ever so slightly there's a bit of a delay between his inputs and the machine's actions, and in the moment before failure he just felt "something wasn't right" and tried to pull the bucket in; when it didn't seem to want to, he turned the excavator "just in case" and that's when the arm extended. Had he not, I would have been crushed to fucking death.

There were two other excavator operators on that crew, and they were basically idiots. Had one of them been with us that day, I'm sure I'd be dead.

12. ...and one last terrifying anecdote from fruchte.

My dad and I were driving down the road after heavy rainfall in Vermont. He is driving, and I am fiddling with the radio. I hear a very load CRACK, and before I can ask my dad what it was, out of the corner of my eye I see movement.

An entire tree was falling on the road - due to the heavy rainfall, the dirt was too wet to keep some trees in place.

My dad stood on his brake, cartoon style, and we slid nearly right into the tree. I heard a pop before we fully stopped, and when we lurched back to 0mph, we were both breathing hard. My dad got out to check the damage, and the pop I hear was a branch hitting a headlight out.

First time I've ever seen my dad call 911. It was scary. Could have been he end of us if he didnt top to chat to the waitress after we left the restaurant to go home.

This 'fan' mansplained a musician's own song to her and Twitter isn't pleased.

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How lovely to be a woman in music. While experiencing systemic sexism, you're also treated to the specific misogyny of the music industry. People consistently underestimate you, your musical skill, and your ability to "hang" with the other musicians (a.k.a. mostly dudes). At worst, you're passed over for professional opportunities, not given credit for work, or targeted for sexual violence. At best, you're Beyoncé. Wait...should I become a musician?

Japanese Breakfast (née Michelle Zauner) offered an example of her profession's drawbacks yesterday and it's cringe-inducing AF. Reading it gave me flashbacks to every unfunny, untalented man that's tried explaining comedy to me. In one of those instances, the man cried because I challenged him. What a way to inadvertently test masculinity's boundaries!

Yesterday JB revealed a series of DMs she'd received from a self-described 'fan' that contained 'constructive criticism' she didn't ask for...or need. She's released two studio albums, is signed to a record label, and has performed on NPR. She knows what she's doing. Nevertheless, he insisted.

People were...nonplussed. Yeah. Let's go with that.

Other women in music could relate. HARD.

Utter nonsense. Hopefully that guy thinks twice before he jumps into an unsuspecting woman's DMs again. Here's my favorite response one more time for good measure and future reference:

People can't stop roasting this photo of Trump at brunch after declaring a national emergency.

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Two days ago, President Trump declared a national emergency. Today, he's brunching in Palm Beach without a care in the world, and the Internet has reactions in spades.

Let's rewind. On Thursday, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders confirmed via Notes that Trump would forge ahead with funding his border wall, Congress and its budget be damned. Though we're supposedly in the midst of a national crisis, Trump's been spotted in Palm Springs ordering omelettes and chillin' like the villain that he is. I can't blame him. He works hard and wants to relax with some brunch! Just kidding. He's fundamentally averse to work. He probably opposes it for religious reasons.

Twitter's having a f*cking field day with the image, which would make an incredible lower back tattoo. Let the communal dragging commence!


Trump calls 'SNL' the 'real collusion.' Sad!

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SNL kicked off last night's episode with a cameo from Alec Baldwin doing his infamous Trump impression. The cold open satirized the president declaring a national emergency during a press conference, and honestly it wasn't that far off from the real life event it was making of. In the sketch, Baldwin puts on his best Trump voice and tells the people of America,"Wall works. Wall makes safe. ... Abuelas and bebes unless you give me wall." Like I said, it's not a long way from reality.

You can watch the full clip here:

The crowd was eating the performance up, but unfortunately the president was not as pleased. In fact, Trump was so upset by the sketch that he tweeted about it. Does Trump know he can just like, not watch SNL if he doesn't like it?

Anyway, his tweet about his disdain for SNL was more concerning than usual because he implied that they shouldn't be able to do what they do, AKA make fun of him (and literally everyone).

Trump seems to think that SNL only targets Republicans, which goes against the fact that the show spent the entire Obama presidency poking fun at Obama. It is literally the writers' and performers' jobs to make fun of whoever is in office, but Trump doesn't seem to be able to handle it. Sad!

23 Memes Jesus Is Not Going To Be Happy You Laughed At.

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Warning: don't scroll any further if you're easily offended by memes that are full of sex, sins, and other totally NSFW things. These memes will only be funny if you have a very filthy mind. ​​

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The press release for Meghan Trainor's new EP has people talking. What did we just read?

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Look, I love a spicy PR move as much as the next girl, but I am also willing to admit when things go too far. And too far is exactly where things went with Meghan Trainor's recent press release for her new album. The PR email was overloaded with millennial, stan culture slang and it was...a lot.

Where to even begin here? I suppose we can start with the sentence about Billboard being "wet" for one of Meghan Trainor's songs. I truly never knew I would ever have to read that sentence, but here we are.

I would really love to see some behind the scenes footage of this person drafting this, because I can only assume it involved a lot of intense Googling of phrases like "wig snatch."

Naturally, people had some things to say about this.

I love the enthusiasm of this PR rep, but also...is they okay?

11 people share their embarrassing teen phases. We're not cringing, you're cringing.

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It's hard not to look back on our teenage years without cringing. All that angst and poor fashion choices make for some terrible memories. As our mothers told us, a lot of what we went through were just phases (thank God). I think we can all agree that the world is better off without all of my awful haircuts I used to rock.

While most of us try to forget our teenage years, a Reddit user inspired people to do the opposite. User tenamonth asked, "What 'emabarrassing phase' did you go through as a teenager?" and the internet delivered.

1. Kighla brought the emo vibes to a whole new level.

I used to want to sound like a cool, edgy, emo writer or something... so I would narrate things that were happening around me, out loud. I remember at a family event we were roasting s'mores and I was just like "Fire, slowly burning, destroying and turning everything black..." I can't remember any more because I'm cringing too hard.

2. DROPTHENUKES remembers the good ol' days of live journals.

My friends and I all had livejournals and we would regularly passive aggressively communicate with each other through them.

Livejournal Entry

UGH. I can't believe how crazy Sam has been lately. I know her boyfriend broke up with her, but that was MONTHS AGO. She's no fun to hang around anymore.

Sam's Livejournal Entry, the following day

I AM SICK. AND TIRED. OF PEOPLE WHO DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HAVE A BROKEN HEART.

3. J0nnyGreenGiant clearly wasn't afraid of heights, but others might have been afraid of J0nnyGreenGiant.

when I was a teenager i was huge WWF fan and there was this wrestler named Edge, who would perch in high places inside the arena and just watch the matches for months before he made his actual debut. Because of this, I use to do the same thing because I thought it was bad ass. I use to find high places and just perch there like a gargoyle for hours. ( In trees, on roofs of peoples houses, on ledges, anywhere that i could climb ) and I would just sit there , crouched motionless and watch peoples reactions when they would see me.

4. Now this is just blood embarrassing. (HairyHorseKnuckles)

British accent. I'm from the southern US

5. Plasterwork was ahead of their time.

When I was 15, well before Avril Lavigne happened, skater boys were the most attractive guys in my social environment. My friend, my sister and I would spend evenings hanging around the skate park, checking out the guys and fighting over which one of us would get to date the cutest guy. After about a month of this we conceded that the answer was “none of us.”

6. leafydew was a victim of the war against eyebrows.

I decided it was a fantastic idea to shave my eyebrows a finger-width thick in 7th grade.

My parents only recently told me they called them “Hitler brows” behind my back.

7. trolldoll26 cultivated a lewk.

In middle school I went through a phase of slicking my long hair back into a tight bun at the nape of my neck. I used a ton of gel to make sure my hair didn’t move. I also only plucked one eyebrow and made it super arched.

I was super jealous of all the girls who were thin and girly. I look back on my middle school years and cringe. Blessed be puberty.

8. sixesand7s sent mixed signals.

I did the whole dye my hair black, black finger nail polish, black smudgy eye liner (I was a emo dude)

But I also loved gangster rap, so I work big chains with batman symbols on them.

It was a mess

9. Great_Gogley_Mogley was off the chain.

I had a giant, thick wallet chain. Wallet chains were pretty common at the time but I went to Ace hardware and had them cut me a 18" section of their thickest chain. The oddest part of the story is that I didn't even attach it to my wallet because it was too thick. I just tucked it in my back pocket.

10. academiclady wasn't like the other girls.

Manic Pixie Delusional Idiot.

I thought by trying to turn myself into the opposite of every female stereotype - super into sex, not into commitment, loves sports and booze, not into "emotional BS," not into make-up or standard fashion, not into gifts, said PMS was a load of crap, etc. - guys would be dying to be with me. They would gush to all their friends about how I was SO COOL and NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS.

Turns out that being a big fake isn't that attractive at all.

11. Like many of us, MillenihilistBeatnick is still haunted by Hot Topic.

I bought Happy Bunny merch from Hot Topic unironically. Along with those TRIPP raver pants with the chains and Manic Panic AMPLIFIED hair dye in blue. I owned band tees without ever listening to the bands because they looked xXxhardcorexXx. I wrote angsty DBZ and Trigun yaoi fanfiction. Multiple. That were over 100k words.

DeviantArt.

12. insideouthoodie mixed business with pleasure.

I had business cards made (waaay before vistaprint) that had my name, number and title of Knight in Shining Armor. I would hand these out, with a smile, to any person that I found attractive, in or out of school.

I thought I was really suave but it is only embarrassing now as a groupd of newer friends and I were discussing this and them pretty much laughing at me for doing this.

13. gingersaysjump remembers the days of DDR.

Was far too good at Dance Dance Revolution, and would go places just to play it. I also wore those giant pants with too many straps so I jingled like a change purse.

14. Nach0Man_RandySavage might have been a genius?

I started a rap crew based on Winnie the Pooh. I was Pooh Daddy, my friend was the Notorious T.I.G. and another friend was Big O. We were writing a song called 'Honey Rhymes with Money'

The name of this group? Pooh Tang Clan.

Miley Cyrus came for Shawn Mendes’ thirst trap like a thirst-wrecking ball.

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Miley Cyrus and Shawn Mendes performed "In My Blood" at the Grammy Awards last week. Complete with a matching vest ensemble, the performance was a definite crowd-pleaser.

All that hot, vested musical collaboration would make it impossible for them not to become friends, which explains why Miley just had to say something when Mendes posted his recent Calvin Klein ad to Instagram. Complete with designer underwear, muscles, and more muscles--it is 100% the thirst trap of the year.

View this post on Instagram

@CalvinKlein #MyCalvins. Campaign coming this week.

A post shared by Shawn Mendes (@shawnmendes) on

Damn, Shawn. That's a whole lot of abs. While Mendes is only twenty years old, that didn't stop the entire internet (and Miley Cyrus) from falling directly into the Calvin-themed trap of thirst. Posting a side-by-side comparison meme to Twitter, a parched Miley got in on the joke:

And people were there for it:

A lot of people couldn't help but also notice why Miley's joke is extra brilliant, though. Apparently Miley was referencing fellow Queen, Lady Gaga, for a joke she made in 2013 when Miley was 21-years-old.

Great job just bein' Miley, Miley. As for Shawn, those abs are a lot. You're making us all feel bad...bad and thirsty.

People are saying this wildly viral Rihanna birthday meme is better than astrology.

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Rihanna is not only an accomplished musician spanning multiple genres who has launched a wildly successful makeup brand, but she's also a paragon of style. While she's got enough confidence to pull off objectively ugly outfits that would read as a cry for help from most of us, a majority of the time Rihanna is reminding the world that she's got an eye for all that glitters and is gold.

In celebration of Rihanna's unfaltering commitment to serving up lewks, the Twitter user Guccisima started a new challenge urging followers to Google their birthday and Rihanna in order to get their assigned outfit. Essentially, this challenge functions as a type of astrological projection of your birthday vibe, via Rihanna's fashion.

Unsurprisingly, the challenge quickly went viral, and the thread filled up with Riri outfits matched to people's birthdays.

If anything, this challenge only further proves that Rihanna has fashion range and can pull off pretty much anything.

There is truly an outfit for every birthday, and each of them has a distinctly different vibe.

A lot of people are connecting how the outfits correspond to their sun signs.

It's pretty much impossible to lose with this challenge, all of the outfits are serving up attitude, it's just a matter of what attitude.

At this point, if you haven't Googled your birthday to see which Rihanna outfit corresponds, it's absolutely imperative that you do. This is for collective research, if nothing else.

5 people having a worse Tuesday after a long weekend than you.

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5. Malia Obama, because she's surrounded by snitches and the tabloids pounced.

Most of Malia Obama's friends don't deserve to be friends with Malia Obama.

While "First Daughter" Ivanka Trump™ is gallivanting around the world getting trademarks for her big fashion comeback in China, cool Harvard student Malia Obama has been spotted being cool during a vacation.

The Daily Mail "reported" that not only was the 20-year-old Obama spotted with a $20 bottle of rosé, she also expressed disdain for a certain current president who spent years spreading racist, xenophobic BS about her father and whose only consistent policy position is to undo everything he did.

Poor Malia is surrounded by snitches ready to sell her out at any moment. Obama's friends are like the Meghan Markle's Dad of friends.

I, for one, feel compelled to go easy on Malia Obama. It couldn't have been easy growing up the way she did...with such hot parents.


4. Roger Stone, because he might have Instagrammed his way to prison.

There's nothing at all suspicious about this guy.

Roger Stone, the Trump advisor who's always just one pair of dice away from starring in a regional theater production of Guys and Dolls, was indicted in the Mueller investigation.

Nicely-Nicely Johnson pleaded not guilty to lying about his efforts to conceal communications with WikiLeaks, and is enjoying his freedom right now because he was able to afford bail.

Ever the Trumpist, Stone couldn't help but use Instagram to threaten the judge presiding over his case, posting a picture of Judge Amy Berman Jackson next to a crosshairs with a blurb about how he insists that she's compromised.

Threatening a federal judge might seem illegal, but only because it is.

Stone (or his lawyers) might have had some inkling that inciting violence against the judge was wrong, because he (or his lawyers) formally apologized on Instagram and in a letter to the court.

View this post on Instagram

Statement of Roger Stone #rogerstonedidnothingwrong

A post shared by Roger Stone (@rogerjstonejr) on

Well, the apology's not accepted, according to Judge Berman Jackson. The judge ordered Stone to appear in court on Thursday and explain why he shouldn't be subjected to pretrial detention.

It's going to be fun when Don Jr. is indicted—there's no way he doesn't meme himself into solitary confinement.


3. Jussie Smollett, because his Empire scenes were allegedly cut and his case going to a grand jury after he allegedly faked an attack.

He's either the best or worst actor of all time.

Joke's on you, libs! An actor claimed to have been victim of a hate crime...and you had the audacity to CARE ABOUT IT?

Two Nigerian brothers and unnamed sources are claiming that the racist and homophobic attack on the Empire actor was a big, fat hoax. There's a special place in hell for somebody who'd empower Donald Trump for attention.

Smollett told Chicago Police that on January 29th, two men attacked him while yelling racist and homophobic slurs, and the latest theory is that he paid acquaintances to stage the entire thing.

In the midst of the controversy, TMZ is reporting that the case isn't going to any regular old jury but a GRAND jury to determine the credibility of the claims.

Smollett is also already (allegedly) facing consequences at work, with his scenes on the Empire episode currently filming have been cut down and his musical number completely scrapped.

One thing is certain: you know it's dire when you've lost Cardi B.

Cardi said she was "disappointed," and that if fake, Smollett "f*cked up Black History Month."

Cardi, however, is still giving Smollett the benefit of the doubt.

"Until he says out of his mouth that it was fake and this s–t was staged, I don’t want to completely blame him because, you know … police in Chicago are racist so they might probably try to frame him and make him look like he’s a liar," she said.

Until then, be very, very careful on Twitter.


2. The alleged murderer who googled how to get away with murder.

Rookie mistake.

A teenager on trial for allegedly murdering a six-year-old in Scotland forgot to clear his browser history, and now the court has heard what he's been Googling.

According to Mirror UK, a 16-year-old boy (who can't be named for legal reasons) Googled "how do police find DNA" before allegedly committing the murder, and Googling "how do police find things" is a surefire way to make sure that the police find the things.

Here's hoping that all murderers are this stupid! (And also that there are no more murders).


1. The former American Idol contestant arrested for selling drugs.

Going to Hollywood, if "Hollywood" means jail.

Antonella Barbra made it to the top 16 on American Idol in 2007, and having left singing behind, recently made it to the top of her new field: drug trafficking.

NBC News reports that Barba was arrested yesterday "on a federal charge of distribution and possession with intent to distribute drugs, and one count of conspiracy."

That's almost as criminal as her rendition of "I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing."

According to a federal indictment, Barbra "conspired to distribute heroin, fentanyl and cocaine."

That's gonna be a no from me, dawg.

simon cowell facepalm GIF by America's Got Talent


12 Problems You'll Only Understand If You Have Raynaud's Disease.

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February is Raynaud's Awareness Month. If you weren't aware already, Raynaud's Disease is a rare disorder that causes the blood vessels to constrict when cold, usually in the fingers and toes. The condition can cause your extremities to turn white, then blue, in low temperatures. Then when the blood returns, you may experience a throbbing or tingling sensation.

If this sounds familiar, you may have Raynaud's Disease. Though rarely dangerous, the condition can be really uncomfortable and annoying. But you're not alone! Millions of people are affected by the disorder including the writer of this very blog.

Here are twelve problems you'll only understand if you, too, have fingers or toes that turn into icicles anytime the temperature dips below 60 degrees:

12.) You don't need nail polish!

At least not during the winter season. Your fingers and nails turn bright colors due to lack of circulation.

This disease will save you tons of $$ on manicures.

11.) You may technically have ten fingers, but if the temperature is below freezing, you can only expect to use about half of them.

10.) When it's cold, your feet might look like something straight out of a morgue.

9.) Feeling stressed? Say goodbye to use of your hands and toes!

Raynauds is caused by stress as well as cold.

8.) You can't escape the cold, even in your sleep.

🎶 Ain't no blanket warm enough to keep Raynaud's from getting to you 🎶

7.) You always have an excuse to get coffee.

You drink coffee for the warmth. Caffeine is just a bonus.

6.) The condition is even worse if you're breastfeeding.

Raynaud's can also affect your nipples, causing "excruciating pain" for some breastfeeding moms.

As if they don't already have enough pain to deal with!

5.) Sometimes your fingers get so cold that you can't activate your phone or laptop keyboard until they warm up.

No scrolling?! Talk about a NIGHTMARE.

4) Electric hand dryers are your best friend.

People think it's weird you spend so much time in the bathroom but you're just trying to revive your limbs.

3) You actually enjoy washing dishes just because the hot water can help you get your fingers back.

You make a great dinner guest!

2) But even when your fingers come back, you might not be able to use them.

They might be red or purple, or multi-colored. They may burn or tingle or just dangle there uselessly.

On the bright side, at least they aren't blue anymore!

1) All winter long, you and your fingers and toes can't wait for summer.

Don't give up hope, fellow sufferers. Today we may have useless icicle-fingers and ice cubes for toes. But one day, hopefully, we'll have working fingers and toes again.

Blue fingers crossed.

17 people share horror stories about moments they almost died. Dogs save lives.

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Being alive is honestly terrifying.

At any moment, everything we've worked for and everyone we've known could disappear forever and there's no way we can prepare for it, predict it or even fully grasp it. Some people like to adopt the "live every moment as if it's your last" mentality, but if we all truly lived that way, nobody would ever go to work again. While we try to find a balance of enjoying life and being responsible, every once in awhile we're reminded of just how precious this delicate balance actually is.

So when a recent Reddit user asked, "What's your scariest, 'a second later I could've died moment?" the internet delivered. Get ready to appreciate every breath, life is a fleeting, beautiful nightmare.

1.This is lucky, "ethanlan."

Outside my college dorm my freshman year there was this "stoop" that was half under the building, half out from under it. The building was 18 stories tall.

So I'm sitting out there sitting on the steps (not under the building) and I get up for no real reason and walk under the building. As soon as I get under the building, a huge sheet of glass falls right where I was sitting. Some idiots where messing around on the 11th floor and knocked a 10x9 window pane out of its mooring.

2. Oh no, you could've had anything! "Acridid12."

I was walking into a Miller's Outpost (tells you the time period) and the 'M' from the sign above the store fell down and hit me on the shoulder. It was a big glass sign. One moment sooner and it hits my head. Because it drew blood, the store offered to give me any item I wanted so I wouldn't sue. I chose an awful red cardigan. I was 16 and dumb.

3. Moral of the story: fight with your friends, "kimb0q."

My friend and I were taking an elevator down to the cafeteria in our dorm in college. For some reason, we were arguing about something when the doors opened, so we hung back for a second.

Then the elevator dropped two floors with the doors open.

I still hate getting in/out of elevators and I do a weird running start every time.

4. Ahhh, "LongJohnColt."

Basically I got t-boned by a van while riding my bicycle. Missed me by a couple inches, destroyed the back of the bike, and threw me into traffic.

5. Yikes, "janearcade."

About 30 years ago my family and I were driving up to Jasper, Alberta in the winter. There was a slow car in front of us, and an impatient one behind us who kept trying to pass. Eventually the car behind us did pass, on a blind corner and hit a logging truck head on. The slow car in front of us was also hit, but my dad managed to put us in the shoulder and not in the collision.

This was way before mobile phones, or anything like that. So I remember my dad and my older brother getting out and going over the other cars and talking with the truck driver. It was this indescribable moment of total silence, and freezing cold, and disbelief until the authorities came (quite a bit later). I remember sitting in the backseat with my younger brothers wondering what the hell just happened.

6. This is a horror show, "NightSkye0174."

My family and I were driving down the highway when we see a STOPPED SUV IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY WITH A FAMILY OF 6 INSIDE and the car in front of us didn’t get out of the way until the last second

7. Praise be, hangovers, "billbixbyakahulk."

Had a bad hangover and was kind of nervous/jittery, which in turn made me extra watchful. I was driving home, light turned green and I started to go. Car going about 45 in crowded city traffic gives no fucks and goes right through the red. I slammed on the brakes and felt my anti-lock brakes engage for the first time in I don't know how long. Guy missed me by inches. Didn't even slow down.

Had I not been hungover I doubt I would have given the cross traffic that second look to see him barreling toward me. He likely would have t-boned me right in the driver's door.

8. This is terrifying, "I-DildoSwaggin."

I worked at a private gun range for almost a decade and had one encounter where I could have nearly gotten killed.

I was in what we called a trap house (a little bunker that holds a machine that throws clay targets for people to shoot). When we go into said bunker, we put a giant traffic cone on top of it that basically tells people "There's someone in there, keep your shotguns at your side unloaded and wait for them to exit"

One day I was fixing some issues with a machine and was about to exit. I realized I left my bowl on the back shelf and stepped back and grabbed it. The second I did, I hear a shell go off and the cone on top of the house gets obliterated and falls in front of me. Turns out one of our members had his daughter there and was teaching her how to trap shoot. He didn't realize she loaded a shell when he was teaching her how to aim (irrelevant cause his gun shouldn't have been pointed downrange). He lost his membership over that incident.

9. Oh my god, "pabloalvsuarez."

When I was 5 or 6, we were on holidays in Australia. My mother took me to a beach that is known because it’s safe thanks to a net system that doesn’t let the sharks in. Well when we arrive the beach was empty, what was kinda strange, but we continue to have a beach day and we had a bath. My mother even swam from one point to another. After that, we were going to the car, and some authority saw us. They told us to not enter the beach, because a family of alligators had entered in the water, and it was really dangerous.

10. When S'mores are lifesavers, "Blackspider1111."

Dont think I would have died, but to change things up from car related incidents, I once left a lighter near a fire pit by mistake and I was near it roasting marshmallows. I had to go inside to grab chocolate and I came back out and just as I was walking back to the fire pit the lighter exploded.

11. This is terrifying, "CaptainLyoner."

A second doesn't really apply to my story, but about an hour does. When I was in second grade my appendix swole up and burst. I had severe pain for weeks while the doctors tried to figure out what was wrong. After staying at the hospital for some time, they suddenly said they needed to operate. They had finally figured out what was wrong and had to basically clean out my insides. Since it had burst quite some time ago, I was in a pretty critical state. If they hadn't realized soon after they did, I wouldn't be here.

12. Dogs are heros, "EddieSpoon."

Not me but my brother (no, really). He had a hard time in college; didn’t like his major but didn’t have any other ideas, had a hard time being motivated to attend class, etc. The final straw was when he ended a semester and was trying to get ready for the next semester: he was dropped by the scholarship that was paying his tuition for not making above a 3.5. He tried to hang himself in his closet one day. He told me right after in hysterics. He said he started blacking out and his head was fuzzy when his dog (half pit/half Australian cattle dog) positioned herself under him, barking and released the tension on his neck. He got out of it and called me. He doesn’t like to talk about it because it was really traumatic and (he said) embarrassing (because of the stigma in our community). But he told me a few times that the instant he started blacking out he regretted it and didn’t want to die. When he called me, I had a grown man crying and saying, “it was so scary! I was so scared!” Needless to say: the dog is highly regarded now. Lol (If you’re in a hopeless situation—get help. Seriously. Make a call. Fuck what people say or think. I fucking love you >:D LIVE ASSHOLE!)

13. Damn, "Booms777."

On 16th December 2004 I was with a friend having a beer in a bar on the Koh san Rd in Bangkok, Thailand. It was the last week of my bumming round the world and we had a decision to make.

Do we go home for Christmas or spend it on the beach in Phuket. Neither of us had been to Phuket and we thought it would be an awesome end to living out of a back pack for the last 18 months but on the other hand Christmas at home with the family was also appealing.

So we flipped a coin and went home to the UK.

Flipping that coin a second earlier or later could have sent us into the path of the 2004 Boxing Day Tsunami.

14. Another win for dogs, "redsetded."

I don’t know if I would’ve died, but when I was very small I woke up in the middle of the night with a feeling like the dog was missing. I woke up everyone in the house and we went looking for the dog. Somehow we were all outside when a Molotov cocktail was thrown into the neighbor’s house and their house exploded setting only one room in our house on fire—mine and my sister’s. If I hadn’t had everyone frantically searching for the dog, who knows what would’ve happened. The dog must have known something was up, too because she had gotten out of the house and was hiding under a porch across the street.

15. Horses are psychic, "coastal_vocals."

I was about 9 or 10, and riding a horse for the first time on a trail ride. My horse suddenly pricked its ears and went a little faster, and a tree fell across the trail directly behind us.

16. Nope nope nope, "mamabeariguess."

When I was about 9 or 10, I was in the basement helping my grandma do laundry. She had a big braided rug on the floor and I was bouncing all over the place. I was wearing socks and jumping on and off the rug.

She bends over to get something out of the drier and reaches across the rug to grab something. I realize what she’s reaching for is a snake, just inches between the two of us. I yell at her to STOP, we both scream and the snake quickly takes on an aggressive posture.

I run outside and grab a broom and my grandma starts beating the poor thing to death with it. Grandpa hears the commotion and rushes downstairs and delivers the fatal blow. Turns out that little nope noodle that snuck into the house was a venomous copperhead.

17. Wow, this is f*cking beautiful, "yenrab23."

This is a sweet memory: My girlfriend at the time and I were walking on a semi-rural road in Santa Cruz County around 1993 or so. We stopped for a second and kissed. In that moment a car went careening off the road just a few feet in front of us. Had we not stopped for that kiss we would have been directly in its path.

Be careful out there, everyone!

Exhausted mom hilariously calls out her sleeping husband in viral poem.

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No matter how you slice it, being a parent isn't easy. While a lot of couples divide up tasks to attempt to make the parenting load equal, in a lot of straight couples the woman ends up doing the lion's share. In part, this is because of deeply imbedded societal expectations, but also, mothers who breastfeed have obvious forces drawing them towards more baby duties.

Sleep schedules (or lack thereof) is one of the biggest ways the labor inequities between mothers and fathers manifest. In many cases, mothers are expected to get up through out the night to feed and soothe children while the father is able to sleep. While obviously, there's not much dads can do in cases of breastfeeding, when it comes to bottle feeding or general soothing, dads can always step it up.

Since some frustrations are best summed up in poem form, the exhausted mother Caroline Olling Andersen wrote a detailed rhyme dedicated to her sleeping husband. Due to its relatable nature, it quickly went viral.

My latest 4am poem titled “Daddy’s Asleep” I love your daddy, I really do, After all, without daddy, I wouldn’t have...

Posted by Caroline Olling Andersen on Friday, February 1, 2019

She wrote:

"My latest 4am poem titled “Daddy’s Asleep”

I love your daddy, I really do,
After all, without daddy, I wouldn’t have you.
But from midnight till sunrise, it’s just you and I.
And as each hour passes, I’m not gonna lie:
Mommy’s love slowly fades, becomes angry and weak,
Because no matter what, your dad is f***ing asleep!"

"It all starts out lovely. We kiss each other goodnight.
We look lovingly down at you dear, such a beautiful sight.
An hour later, mommy wakes with a start.
You’re twisting and turning, you’re starting to fart.
You’re gesturing for food. Mommy is there
with a bottle or breast
Daddy is snoring away, the way he knows best."

"Mommy burps you, and holds you and rocks you with care.
You spew foul smelling yogurt on mommy’s freshly washed hair.
As mommy changes her shirt, and mops vomit off the floor.
Your daddy farts, rolls over and continues to snore."

"Mommy’s maternal alarm goes off, it’s not even three!
You’re stirring again, you’re hungry and staring at me!
“I think she is hungry” your daddy offers, pulls duvet over his head,
Mommy sends him a death stare and rolls out of bed.
Mommy comes back, tired and drained and what is this I see?
Your daddy has taken over my side, doesn’t give a f*** about me!"

"Mommy kicks him and pushes him angrily away.
“What’s up love?” He moans in a lovingly way.
Your daddy has no clue he is under attack.
He wraps his arms around me and kisses my back.
And just as my love for daddy is back on the rise,
You start to coo in your crib and open your eyes.
And daddy gently nudges me to attend to your need.
I give him the finger as I prepare for a feed."

"But as the sun starts rising, the slate is wiped clear.
I’m back to full love for your daddy and for you my dear.
I forget that daddy sleeps while you cry and you poo.
It’s back to kissing and hugging and doting on you."

"Soon you’ll grow up and be daddy’s little girl.
You’ll not remember me cleaning up shit and vomit hurl.
Whilst you sit on his lap and he sings you a song,
You’ll love him and think daddy could do nothing wrong.
But my sweet love, here is a poem for you to keep,
So you know that all those long nights, dad was f***ing asleep!"

The ballad dedicated to motherhood-induced insomnia was quickly shared over 16,000 times, and inspired Olling Andersen to start her very own Mommy Poet Facebook page for future midnight musings.

Since the poem went viral, Olling Andersen has received equal parts support and backlash, with some claiming she comes across too angry and others shaming her husband.

Rather than engaging in an argumentative manner, Olling Andersen made a gracious post in response to the criticisms, where she apologized for her past judgments on other parents.

A few online articles have recently come out on the “Daddy’s Asleep” Poem. Against my husbands recommendation, I’ve...

Posted by The Mommy Poet on Monday, February 18, 2019

"A few online articles have recently come out on the “Daddy’s Asleep” Poem.
Against my husbands recommendation, I’ve scrolled through comments - and holy badoly ...people have opinions.
There are comments shaming my husband, comments shaming me... comments where I was like “why are you so angry at me, dear stranger. What part of my “meant to be funny” poem made you so upset?”"

"But I’m not going to play a saint. I too have been an angry post commentator, and the mommy/daddy shaming business is something we’ve all been guilty of at one point or another.
When I was pregnant, my husband and I could spend hours talking about how we would raise our child, and all the things we most DEFINITELY would not do. We had it all figured out!
10 weeks into parenthood, and we will gladly throw all our pre-parenting principles down the drain, stick a pacifier in her face and plonk her in front of “baby sensory tv” if it means just 15 min of freedom to have a cup of coffee and a pee."

"So, I would like to officially make an apology for all the pre-mom me judgements I’ve made throughout the years:

1. I’m sorry for sending a death stare to the woman with the screaming baby on the flight, hating her for ruining my plane movie experience. Or mentally rolling my eyes at the screaming toddler in the coffee shop, willing the mother to get it under control or even better, leave."

"2. I’m sorry for judging the new moms who don’t leave their house, and for judging those that leave the house but are around me so I have to listen to their child.

3. I’m sorry for judging the stay at home mothers, wondering what they do all day, and judging the mothers with nannies, thinking that surely that’s an unnecessary amount of hands to look after one baby and a small apartment. I now understand the saying “it takes a village to raise a child”.

4. I’m sorry for judging younger mothers for being too young and older mothers for being too old. Judging career women for taking too long to prioritise pregnancy and stay at home moms for not prioritising careers."

"5. I’m sorry for judging the parents who use an iPad to calm down toddlers, and wondering how someone wouldn’t have time to shower (babies sleep all the time right?) or tidy their house.

6. I’m sorry for judging women who don’t breastfeed, and women who breastfeed for a long time.

7. I’m sorry for judging the parents who don’t stay on the routine as per the books, and for thinking that you can just follow the books for perfect parenting."

"8. I’m sorry for judging the women who don’t get their pre pregnancy bodies back within a few months. And I’m sorry for hating on those that get them back within a few weeks.

I’m NOT sorry to the parents who brings their infant to a late night screening of a loud thriller movie and said infant then spends entire movie screaming. Or the parents who don’t put seatbelts on their children. That’s just plain stupid and I will never stop judging you."

"But to the rest of you, I’m very sorry for all the judgement. You’re doing a good job!
I salute you my fellow mothers... and of course, I also salute all you fabulous fathers!"

It's always nice to see a parent keeping it honest about the struggles of the job without going into combat mode, whether it's through a playful poem or an honest post about judging others.

23 Memes Men Probably Won't Find Funny.

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These ridiculously funny memes will be relatable AF to women everywhere. The struggle is real, and so are the laughs in this hilarious meme list.

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18 multilingual people share the times they caught people talking sh*t. Como se dice ‘busted’?

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In the right situations, speaking multiple languages can transform you into a spy of sorts. Since people make assumptions about what languages others speak based on their skin color or location, it's easy to play ignorant and get intel on seemingly private conversations. This skill naturally makes for some interesting stories.

In a recent Reddit thread, multilingual people shared the times they've overheard conversations, and the results range from heartwarming to downright depressing.

1. eureka123's great aunt told a butcher off.

"Well my great aunt told a story of how she once went into a butcher shop. When she walked in, the butcher was talking with a customer in Russian (which she spoke).

The butcher saw my great aunt walk in and told the costumer (in Russian) that he'd take care of this "old hag," and then continue the conversation."

"So my great aunt (in English) asked for pounds and pounds of cold cuts, all sliced and wrapped. When it was all ready, she told him (in Russian), to "shove it up your ass," and walked out.

God i loved that woman."

2. P35-HiPowe's best friend shut down some sexists.

"My late best friend, who was big tall and blond, was in Tim Hortons.......he speaks fairly fluent Arabic, having spent 7 years working in Saudi Arabia. Three Arabic men were sitting at a table making very lewd comments about the women in the shop. My buddy turned to them and said in Arabic; "You need to shut up before someone kicks your ass.........you never know who is listening"

They got very confused, and left soon after."

3. coffee-coffee_coffee joined in a game of I Spy.

"I was on the subway in NYC a few months ago when a family sitting across from me was playing I Spy in Hebrew with their kids. The parents went around describing each person they saw on the train, so when they got to me I decided to play along. I looked up from my book, made a funny face, and covered my face with the book before the kids could find me. The parents started laughing and said to their kids: “I spy someone who understands us!”

"The parents and I shared a good laugh about it while their kids got really excited that someone else spoke Hebrew. They never figured out who it was, but it made my commute a lot more fun!"

4. kosmor learned a little too much at the hospital.

"I've said this before. It happened a while ago. I went to a psychiatric emergency ward once and asked for help and if they were comfortable to speak English. I understand Danish but have a hard time making myself understandable in it and didn't really feel like an idiot at a crucial time of my life.

I stayed there for 4 days without anyone realising I knew what they were saying about me right in front of me."

"2 of the nurses thought I was cute.

1 doctor thought I was lying all the time.

A patient thought I was a spy for the staff.

A lot happened in those 4 days

It made my stay way more enjoyable then it should have been."

5. bksbeat was able to call out scammers.

"I lived in Riga for a short while and went out almost every Friday to meet girls. Riga has a lot of visitors from UK and I've spent a chunk of my time in US, so I generally speak English in the center. I feel more comfortable using it. However, I also speak Russian perfectly well."

"So I'm drinking a beer in a bar and all of a sudden some cute Russian girl comes up to me and starts speaking English to me. She invited me for a beer with her and her friend. I didn't really have anything else going for me that night, so I agreed.

What followed is an hour of them trying to make me buy them a Dom Perignon bottle and some really dirty talking about what one of them would do to me if I agreed.They also talked to the bartender (who knows me fairly well) how they're gonna rip me off big time and that I'm a foreign idiot."

"I ended up buying them 4 beers total out of decency. It was a lot of fun for a while, I'll give them that. Eventually I got really tired of it all + my friend hit me up, so I just switched to Russian, thanked them for a nice evening and left.

Their faces were red from embarrassment and anger. Oh well. Don't scam people."

6. GodsGift420's avoided a shady business deal.

"My dad grew up in Egypt and now travels the world for Dole (the fruit company). Once he was in Morocco at a plant who were possible suppliers and they tried to deceive him. They showed him the safety guidelines that were written in Arabic, but were describing different standards in English. My dad doesn’t look like a typical middle easterner and has a very non-descript accent, so they thought they could fleece him. After the dude was done talk my dad says “that’s not what it says” and the guy says “what do you mean”. My dad repeats the statement but in Arabic. The guy apparently dropped his jaw and all he could say was “you speak Arabic?”

Needless to say that Moroccan plant did not get the gig."

7. Booper3's neighbors called out some xenophobes.

"My neighbors went on holiday with her sister's family in Spain. The sister can speak fluent Spanish (they're Irish). Apparently a tour guide in Spain started talking about them refering to them as "those English sluts" . They were never ones to let anything slide so an argument broke out very quickly."

8. arlondiluthel stood up for a friend.

"I'm an extremely white American man. I was stationed in Korea, and a buddy and I went into a store that was slightly "off the beaten path". My buddy was in a different section of the store and found something he liked. He asked the shop keep how much it was, the shop keep said, in Korean "well, you're an American, so $65" (translation and currency exchange provided for ease of reference). I looked over, and saw a sign on the wall that said the exact item he wanted was $40. I approached the shop keep and asked him, in Korean, how much it cost, to which he replied $40. So I responded, in Korean, "Why are you charging him $65?". He got rather embarrassed and apologetic, offered to sell the item for $35, and gave us each a soft drink for free."

9. h4k01n's partner shut down guys laughing at her.

"My SO is a tattoo artist who can speak Bulgarian, Turkish, English and German. One day we were queueing in the supermarket and two guys behind us were laughing and snickering. She turned around and said something to them. Afterwards she was laughing while one of the guys went bright red."

"Afterwards I asked her what that was about. The guys were like "look at her arm. Those tattoos. Disgusting. How can you tattoo a naked woman on yourself?" In Turkish. My SO turned around and said "thanks bro". St first the guy asked her to repeat because he didn't even register that she could be speaking Turkish and assumed he misheard English. That's when she said "for the tattoo opinion"."

"It was funny from there. The guy apologized and said he has never felt so much shame in his life. His friend was saying at least buy them (my SO and I) some beers. This was in a small town outside of Dublin city, so I can understand why they didn't think there would be any Turkish speakers around."

10. candiice_xo's husband saved them a few bucks on tacos.

"I’ve posted this before but I’ll post it again.

My husband is the bilingual one, not me. He’s from Colombia so he speaks Spanish fluently, but grew up in the U.S and has been here most of his life. He also has a really fair complexion. Most people think he’s just Caucasian. Anyway, we were in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico looking for a place to eat. We get to a restaurant and he asks in English how much it would cost for all you can eat tacos. The guy at the door said it’s $15. His friend next to him said to the guy in Spanish, “I thought it’s $12?” And the first guy responded, “Yeah, but they don’t know that.” My husband of course understood everything. He told them in Spanish that they’re lying rip offs and we’d be going somewhere else. The guy’s expression was priceless."

11. Gene_R's brother learned a lesson while shopping.

"Inverse. A long time ago, my brother had a habit of making remarks about people in Spanish whenever he got annoyed, frustrated, or just wanted to make fun of someone (kinda like a gossiping school girl). I told him it wasn't cool, not because he shouldn't be talking Spanish in public, but that he shouldn't be using it in such an underhanded way."

"If he had a grievance that he needed to get off his chest, he should tell them in a language they are likely to understand where we live -- English. He kept doing it anyway. One time, we were leaving a major retailer and the store greeter asked to see his receipt before he could exit with the bagged merchandise in the cart. He had a hard time finding where he put his receipt and he got frustrated."

"He switched to Spanish and said some variety of "this old bitch" and the store greeter immediately called him out on it in Spanish. He was like a deer caught in the headlights. I was so happy she did it. He made a weak attempt at re-asserting his right to be frustrated at the situation, but you could see he was very embarrassed at having been caught talking trash in Spanish. I love my brother, but I'm glad he stopped doing that soon after."

12. veekay45 had a very sweet moment on the train.

"When I was doing my exchange studies in China (native Russian), I was riding a subway in Shanghai. At one of the stops a mother and her daughter sat beside me. The daughter was maybe 4 or 5 and she wouldn't stop looking at me, then without turning her head she started asking her mom "Mommy why is mister so strange? Why is his hair strange?" and so on. I didn't react as if I didn't speak Chinese, and the mother patiently told her daughter "Mister isn't strange, he's just a foreigner, they look different". I thought it was really sweet so I started talking to both of them in Chinese. They were very nice and I hope they're doing great now."

13. FireShepherd29 saw their mom model how to break up some judgment.

"I live in Austria, but my Dad is from Brazil, all my Austrian aunts and uncles married a brazilian. My grandparents from my mothers side opened and lead a factory of our family company in Brazil, that's why everyone was there, but some eventually came back to Austria, just like my mom with my dad. Me and my siblings were raised multilingual but lived most of our live in Austria."

"So once when I was around 10 my Mom and me were on a tram in Vienna with my little brother, who was around 2 at the time, in a stroller and he starts crying, really loudly. Then one brazilian lady starts speaking really loudly and in an obnoxious tone something in the lines of: "Well, these European folks don't know how to treat their children with love, how can someone be so cold and unaffectionate to a child as to let them scream without taking them out of the stroller and holding them?"

"(We were standing btw, there was no seat big enough at the time where we could leave the stroller) Sooo, I was getting worried we were doing something wrong, I wanted to comfort my brother and get him out, but my Mom stopped me and really loudly said in portuguese: "Leave him, it is too dangerous to take him out of the stroller while we are standing here and the tram is moving"

"You could see the womens face go from red, to white and back to red, get up and get out so fast at the next exit that we just started laughing and my brother ultimately calmed down.

Not really exciting, but I find it funny when I think back."

14. kakinapotiti had the ultimate clap-back.

"I am Greek but study in Belgium. Greeks are notorious for talking about people loudly when abroad. The language is rare enough that most people including myself usually feel comfortable doing that. Only problem with that logic is, there are so many of us around the world, it's generally not a good idea."

"So I get on the tram one day and there's this woman (30s) sitting across from me who says to her friend very loudly and in greek: "What is that supposed to be, a boy or a girl?" (Context for non Greeks: we have a third, neutral gender that we use for objects, animals, or when talking about someone in a very rude and derogatory way. That is what she used, and in a very mocking tone as well). So I very calmly validated my ticket, and as I was walking away I reply, also in greek. "It's a girl. And it speaks greek as well."

"Her face was hilarious. She just made a mortified "Ah" sound and didn't utter another word until she got off a few stops later. I love this story, but it kind of terrifies me as well. I avoid talking about other people, but I do tend to have very personal conversations with my greek friends in public places, confident that nobody understands, even after being myself proof that it's not very safe."

15. orionova89 had the last word in their marriage.

"My former in-laws speak Italian. I went into the marriage not knowing Italian, but I picked it up pretty well. My MIL had a bad habit of talking to her family in Italian while I was sitting right there. Every one of them spoke English, so it wasn't as if she had to speak it to be understood."

"I put up with it, and it became interesting to hear what she had to say about me to the family while I was there. I got out of the marriage due mostly to her son's treatment of me, but her actions didn't help. So one day she calls me. She is going on about me being a terrible wife and mother. So I remark "you know, I actually understand Italian. I understood everything you said about me when you thought I didn't know." She went quiet and cut the call short. It was wonderful."

16. rekipsj got to know their aunt-in-law in the worst way.

"My wife is Indian and her family speaks Gujarati. I've spent many years trying to pick it up and have found it to be very difficult as there are no great resources that I am aware of to learn it. You just have to listen and try to guess the context. Anyway, over the years I've gotten pretty good, and when my wife's aunt was visiting from Indian she went right in to my wife about how much weight I'd gained and how bad my diet must be. I understood every word and stopped her about two minutes into her rant. Turns out it didn't stop her from continuing."

17. PrettyInteraction62 thoroughly humiliated some gross dudes.

"I'm Irish and I'm studying in Spain at the moment. I was in a restaurant the other day with my friend and there was a group of 3 or 4 English guys beside us. My friend and I were speaking in French, so they must have assumed we were French or didn't understand English. They started shouting about how sexy my friend and I were and how I have better tits and she has a better ass. I think they were deliberately using a lot of slang in the hopes that even if we did speak English, we wouldn't know English slang (I do, because I have an English housemate)."

"My friend doesn't speak much English, but I told her what they were saying and started loudly talking (in English) about how there are a lot of English speakers in this city and people should watch what they're saying because they never know who can understand them. They went completely silent and beetroot red. Fucking idiots! Why they would assume that nobody in this city can speak English is beyond me. It's a university town with a high international population!"

18. petitelouloutte learned to temper their dinner conversation the hard way.

"Mine was also in New York, and I was the idiot in the story. I was eating at a restaurant explaining in French to my boyfriend that I was upset about how "cocksucker" was translated into french in the show we were watching (Deadwood). The translation used was "fils de pute" which means "son of a bitch" and obviously that's not the same thing. Anyway, the table next to us started cracking up and I felt pretty sheepish when I realized they understood what I was saying, especially since the literal translation of cocksucker in French is pretty damn vulgar, which is the whole reason it wasn't translated that way in the first place."

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